:lol:

Wow bondo,I never thought i'd turn out to be a lesbian trapped in a mans body! LOL--Josh

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Ewwww.

Three nuns on a train, each one has a banana...

Three nuns on a train each one has a banana
 

:oh: One says "where's the banana's" The other two say "yes it does doesn't it" :oh:

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

:surprised:

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.' The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing theRedneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold ? No one has ever done it before !' The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.' The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off ?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!'

why don't most women wear watches?
there's a clock on the kitchen stove


why did the woman cross the road?
who cares? why isn't she in the kitchen?


how many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
none, bitch can work in the dark!

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out
of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are
good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his
mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it
in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting
bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little
whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the
lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that
same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

I ordered some new batteries from HK and...:rofl:

Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge
so he stops. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm trying to commit suicide," she says.
"Well, before you jump give me a BJ." So, she does.
After she's finished, the trucker says,
"Wow! That's gonna be a wasted talent. Why are you committing a suicide?".
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

OMG!!! :lol::rofl::lol::rofl:

^+1! :lol:

I'm sure that driver will go tell all his friends about that now. ......Ummm...I notice it was told in third person :na:

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell...'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

That's a good one :lol: love the classic little Johnnie style jokes.