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Horrible!!! But Funny! |
More chav jokes!!! How do you get a chav pregnant? Ejaculate on her feet and let the flies do the rest!
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Hi reno 11.Your location's near where I am.lol And every joke pushes me a little closer.lol
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No but seriously Reno is located next to a smaller little city called Sparks. Google it. Funny stuff. Pretty sad too, since I grew up in Sparks. I have to imagine you have seen at least one episode of Reno 911, maybe not since your in UK, but if you have that is pretty much a pretty good representation of how it really is living here. Google search Sun Valley Nevada. Biggest trailer park in the US supposedly...
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Ha ,Quality place! Theres a road like that round here. My girlfriend used to help at a charity bingo,there was a couple who went who were brother and sister!:oh:.AND they had kids:surprised:.Another wanted a 2nd disabled kid so she could get more benefits from the government:oops:. Enough disgusting stuff. Have you got fish in the toilet? No? why keep dangling a maggot over it then?:oh:
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A 747 is over sea's and the pilot states they have some how ran out of fuel and are going to crash into the ocean shortly as they are loosing altitude.
This really good looking lady in a pencil skirt stands up and screams, "If I am going to die I want to die feeling like a woman." She proceeds to undress. "Is there any MAN on this plane that can accomplish this for me." A man in the row next to her stands up begins to take off his shirt in a hurry. Once standing with his shirt in his hand he extends his arm, "I can help you, this needs to be ironed." |
What is the difference between Nitro and a bucket of poop:sarcastic:
The bucket!:oh: |
A recent one Via the old e-mail train...
A teacher assigned her students, of a marketing class, a task of selling one thing over the weekend to demonstrated various sales techniques. Monday morning comes and the students have to report. First was Karla, she helped her little sister sell some Girl Scout cookies. She said, "I targeted my technique at the masses, we set up our display near the Walmart entrance and made 200.00 in the first day. Second was Margerette, she went door to door selling magazines. She stated, " Well I described magazines to the customer based on their appearance, gender, and race. I made 500 dollars selling magazine and I only worked for an hour, this profiling technique is pretty good for sales. Third was Charlie, he walked up to the class and opened up his bag. Out fell 5734.15 dollars in various forms of cash. Most of the class dropped their jaws and the teacher made a funny face towards Charlie as if he just committed a crime, " Charlie what the hell did you sell?" "Toothbrushes." He calmly said back to her. "I went downtown and set up stand on the busiest corner. I had a free chip and dip trial for anyone who walked by. The chips were ok but the guacamole was mixed up dogshit. After they realized it I offered toothbrushes at the cost of their wallets contents. I used the governments technique of selling you something shitty that they say tastes good, and then making you pay out the ass to get the shitty taste out of your mouth." |
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In gov't terms that means QUALITY CONTROL. :lol: |
Pretty good one to play on the wife for you married ones:
A man walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water, and heads to his wife's side of the bed. "What the hell are those for?" "They are for your headache..." "What are you talking about, I don't have a headache!" "Gotcha!!!" |
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Someone else has my sense of humor.. I've used this one a few times around work.. Another is. Chair to keyboard interface error. There a broken link somewhere in between. |
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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.... + Tourist: $5.00 + Broiled Missionary: $10.00 + Fried Explorer: $15.00 + Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning." |
Incredible heart warming story with a small twist
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.. This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
Best. Joke. Ever. :yes:
That is soooo going up on facebook... |
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened
to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!" |
Another good old wifes cheating on you joke.
Sunday morning came around and the husband wanted to get up before his wife would drag him to church to go fishing. It had been pissing rain all night and he figured with the noise from the rain she would never here him getting the boat ready. So he proceeded to slip out of bed get dressed as quietly as possible and sneak out to the garage. He hooked up the boat with the car half in the garage trying not to get completely soaked. He began to drive away when he realized it truly was a bad day to go just about anywhere, that and his visibility was horrible. He parked the boat on the side of the road and ran back inside the house. He quietly changes in the other room into some warm, dry clothes and walks as quietly back to the bedroom, hoping she wouldn't even have noticed him leaving. As he snuggles to the back of his wife in bed he realizes that she had woken, "Can you believe my dumbass husband is out fishing in this shitty weather!" |
Women are the product of time and money: women = timeXmoney
Time is money: time = money So women are money squared: women = money² Money is the root of all evil: money = √evil So women are evil: women = (√evil)² = evil love a bit of math humor ;) In a cave, I found pictures of women's breasts, but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me. Damn booby trap.... |
I see a lot of "come on england" flags now the world cups on.But I got kicked out of hereford cathedral for having a w4nk over the magna carta. Historical joke
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Niiiice. Wanna hear good joke? England's football team. :lol:
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One day God was looking down at the Earth, and was very upset at the current situation, with so much evil and sin in the world. He summoned one of his angels and said, "Go down to the Earth and tell me how many people are good, and how many are bad."
The angel went down, returned a short time later and said, "I have done what you have asked Father, and I discovered that 95% of people are bad, and only 5% are truly good people." Very disappointed with the news God decided to send an email to all the good people with an extremely important message about his plans for the future. And do you know what that email said???? Really? No one knows? That sucks, I didn't get the email either... |
Sitting down at a bar with his best friend on game day, he points to the extremely good looking lady two stools over. Agreeing that they would try as a pair to use the buddy-buddy routine they both headed towards her to strike a conversation.
"My buddy and I couldn't help but notice that you are all alone on game night. Would you like some company?" "Surely, but don't try anything too stupid I know this sport and I am not looking to learn anything about it. So please leave those conversations back at your original seats." 2nd Buddy, "Okay than well can I ask how you know so much about football being as gorgeous as you are?" "Oh that, I used to be a guy. After my surgeries I have to go to bars alone to watch the games, since at home it would be kind of weird." 1st guy, "Wow your a guy?" "I was a guy, I underwent a full genital swap. I am a woman." 1st guy, "Wow so which part hurt the most? Was it when the cut of your dick?" "No that wasn't the most painful part." 2nd guy, "Was it when they removed your balls?" "Nope that didn't hurt that much either." In unison both guys, "So what part hurt the most?" "When I went back to work and they cut my salary in half!" |
A school bus full of church girls on their way to a charity event suddenly crashed. Of coarse seeing as they are all church going innocents their spirits began to make the trip to heaven.
As you can imagine there was quite the line forming since all of the girls where waiting to get through the gates where St. Peter was standing waiting to decipher their fate. "Hello Susie, I need to ask have you ever touched a boys organ?" Susie, "Well once with the tip of my finger." "Okay well than dip the tip of your finger in the holey water and proceed into heaven." She did as he said. "Okay your turn Samantha, did you ever touch a boys organ?" "Yes St. Peter I did and stroked it as well." "Okay than place your whole hand in the water than proceed." All of a sudden Joahn was stirring up some commotion from the back of the line and made her way forward to St. Peter. "What seems to be the problem Joahn?" "St. Peter if I am going to have to gargle that Holey water I wanted to make sure I did it before Nancy sticks her ass in it!" |
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Subject: Good Salesman!
> > > A young guy > > > from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof > > > department store looking for a job. > > > > > > The Manager says, 'Do you have any > > > sales experience?' > > > > > > The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin > > > ..' > > > > > > Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start > > > tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.' > > > > > > His first > > > day on the job was rough, but he got through it. > > > > > > After the store was > > > locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you > > > today?' > > > > > > The kid says, 'One.' > > > > > > The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales > > > people average 20 to 30 customers a day.. How much was the sale for?' > > > > > > The > > > kid says, '$101,237.65.' > > > > > > The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did > > > you sell?' > > > > > > The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I > > > sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a > > > new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down > > > the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the > > > boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he > > > didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive > > > department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.' > > > > > > The boss said 'A guy came > > > in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?' > > > > > > The kid > > > said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, > > > your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' > > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- John's Chicken Farm > > > > John was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers > > (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize them.. He kept > > records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was > > replaced. > > > > This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them > > to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a > > distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch > > and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. > > > > John's favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this > > morning he noticed Obama's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to > > investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, > > bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run > > for cover. > > > > To John's amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work, > > he had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a > > pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. > > > > John was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Chicago County Fair > > and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. > > > > The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize > > but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. > > > > Clearly Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure > > out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by > > being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when > > they weren't paying attention. > > > > Vote carefully next fall, the bells are not always audible. > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ GHOST SEX A professor at the Gonzaga University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands. That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Ahmed replied, "Damn, from way back there I thought you said Goats." |
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike up a conversation.
The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, "So why are you here?" The brown Lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black Lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab enquires. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected yellow Lab says. The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," the black Lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bent over drying her toes. I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away." The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black Lab says ....."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped." |
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.�
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.� At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"� "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.� "Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat." He never heard the gunshot. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Things I Learned in the South A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha. Onced and Twiced are words. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy! Jaw-P? means Did y'all go to the bathroom? People actually grow and eat okra. Fixinto is one word. It means Im fixing to do that. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you. The word "jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning Did you eat? You dont have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see. You dont PUSH buttons, you MASH 'em. No, Jew? is a common response to the question, Did you bring any beer? You measure distance in minutes. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal. You know what a DAWG is. You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tonys, Tabasco and ketchup. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin' Wal-Martin or off to Wally World. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather. Fried catfish is the other white meat. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
Another crotchless joke...
So after 10 years of marriage she was thinking she could spice things up on their anniversary. She went to the local adult shop and purchased herself some crotchless panties and a set of pasties. When she returned home, waiting for her husband to get off work, she got into her panties and applied her pasties. Then she put on her nicest robe and decorated the entry way, stairs, all the way to the bed with rose peddles. She lit some candles and waited. The door open and she heard her husband making his way up to the bedroom. He openned the door... "Hi their you sexy man, come make love to me," as she pulled off her robe. He replied, "Holy crap, if your vagina can do that to your panties I am afraid of what it can do to my penis!" |
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Lebanese and Abbos is not the correct answer I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPad after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name. George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven." My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Turns out she's really crap at snooker There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Melbourne but I've been banned from there after asking to look at some bomber jackets… A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Oh that’s easy, Derek’s got a moustache!" A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard who drinks a lot and his wife Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair." |
A precious little girl walks into a Pet-Smart store and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits? As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack rabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?' She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a tiny quiet voice 'I don't think my python weally gives a thit' |
Gates vs. GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics...." (and I just love this part): 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash....... Twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off. Please feel free to share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer! |
The assumption song- this made me smile:
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Plenty more, but alot are NSFW, and NSFRC-M either :whistle:
This made me pee myself laughing though: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeTDa...eature=related :rofl: |
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy
session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "Mary, you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom: "Ann, your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom: "Jane, your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner." |
This is a conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai .
The conversation went like this....... Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.' Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.' Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!' Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!' Air Defense Radar: (no response .... total silence) God bless our troops! |
Awesome ! :rofl::rofl:
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My vote is that georgec's post is the best post so far !
I suddenly have a urge for a glass of milk ? |
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