What did the redneck do when he seen his wife stumbleing around in the backyard ?

He shot her again.

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? - Nothing, shes already been told twice

A man runs over a woman. Who's fault is it? - Wait! Better question.. Why was he driving in the kitchen?

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? - None, the bitch can cook in the dark.

Joke

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, There are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"'Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?' You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK? Good Luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?''

"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.


A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed
that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever
she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened,
telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral Sex'
will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the
curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined,
no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran back into the room.
What happened!? they cried.
The husband said,
I'm not sure; maybe she choked ??

Fresh from the shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling
her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'

Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands
in front of the mirror,
rubbing it between her breasts. 'How long will this take?' she asks.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' the husband replies.

She stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your Ass, didn't it?'

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But, who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.'

Personalized GPS, Funny.

http://www.tastelesschoice.com/gps.htm

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"freeze a jolly good fellow." " Then they kick him in the ice hole."


Hey ..... I don't make them up.



I just send them on !!!



Cheers !!!

haha actually is there any truth that penguin story? cause come to think of it how come you don't see dead frozen penguins..........

"haha actually is there any truth that penguin story? cause come to think of it how come you don't see dead frozen penguins.......... "

Come to think of it, when has Antarctica been a tourist destination! :whistle:

Too graphic for documentary coverage... :lol:

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I did not make that up.
It's the tech term for the tobacco-related "mosaic" virus.

"Psssst it's Dave, open up..."

"go away. I'm naked"

can I come in?