+1, read a few good books. Not shakespeare, but some Hemingway and the other greats of the past century. You could also thumb thru a thesaurus, that helps get some fresh words into your mind.

both of you are right in that I need to start reading books. I think the only decent sized book that ive ever read on my own is eragon and that took me like 6 months..

Much Better, but still not ready
 

True. Don't sell yourself short in any of this. Sounds bad and wastes space on your paper anyway.

I made some quick edits, but its no where definative. Basically still some fat to cut and polishing is needed. See attached doc file.



I thought it was improper to cite yourself as a source material?

Interesting idea. I had been taught by by my dear old father and namesake to wear kilts. While warm and forgiving, they can lead to moments of impropreity. Last year my dad and I attended an airshow, vintage aircraft being a lifelong passion of his. Needless to say, stumbling upon the beautifully restored P-51D "Old Crow" parked in the field led to quite an embarrassing situation. Fortunately, the cries of the children were mostly drowned out by the screams of the women. Hehe, my old Pop, still got it after all these years.


http://www.heavyevents.com/pictures/caber.jpg

made all the changes you suggested except for taking out those 2 complete paragraphs and making your statement into my own

i need to go to school and later will come home to re-look over it all

thanks alot!

Harsh
 

Our directiom may seem just a little bit harsh, but we have been around allot longer so we tend to be a bit more direct in our instructions. We are trying our best to help you see things from a more refined perspective. So don't get discuraged or frustrated with us older folks. With so much help in here your making progress towards better writing. It is good that you are seeing the light so to speak, but don't procrastinate any longer about reading some good books. Yes it can be difficult to make time for reading, but you really do need to make that time and do some quality reading that may help in opening your eyes and mind. It will help you greatly in being more prepared for doing this sort of thing in the future. Trust us it is one of the most important skills you will need to become successful in the field you wish to persue. Keep hammering away on this and you will reap the benefits down the road.

Some of also just had a few mins of screwing around time before we had to run to a meeting, and spent much of that searching for not too inappropriate pix. lol

Seriously tho, take the criticisms/suggestions however you wish. Feel free to accept or reject some or all of them. At the end of the day its got to reflect your personality and style. There is no one right way to do any of this.

I do agree completely with developing strong writing skills. Really its important for any professional job, and often is the first and sometimes only chance to introduce yourself. Beyond resumes, you will likely be drafting proposals, procedures and reports, and definitely corresponding by email on a daily basis. Strong writing skills are essential to establishing a solid professional reputation.

Also, working people are very busy and tend not to have patience for a lot of nonsense that distracts them from their work. Case in point: its absolutely true that you get about just 30 secs to have your resume read, esp if there are a lot of people appling for the same job, and its not for the VP or some high level job. If we are interviewing for some entry level tech job and I get a stack of resumes to flip thru, its got to be pretty special not to get binned if its messy, too long, un-organized or otherwise painful to read.

Really the only way to get good at writing is putting a lot of effort into developing the skill. Reading books, taking classes, writing lots of papers and have them criticized. It sucks, they are not fun classes to take, but you have to do them. Also, the longer you put if off, the harder it is to get proficient. Take the lumps and build the skills now and you will reap the rewards of it later.

g/l and respect for putting yourself out there.

I would not have posted the essay up if i didn't want to get critiqued on it, and since i know i am not the most proficient writer i expected to get some heavy criticism.

I would like to get this mini scholarship and if i have to spend 4-5 hours editing this paper im all down for it.

thanks again.

Correct
 

Finnster is correct. It made me think about looking through resume's and when there is a pile of them to go through the first thing that gets kicked out are the ones that have bad grammer or poor spelling, and as stated are just too painful to read. So you have to put in the time and effort not only to learn how to write properly, but also to take the time to review your own work, unless you are lucky enough to have an admin assistant or some one who can do it for you.

alright guys so how am I going to end this thing?

sending it out tomorrow and it doesn't quite seem finished without an ending punch line or something to tie it all together.

Ryan Dodd
1-24-10
My Ambitions To Be An Engineer


If you would have asked me what profession I wanted to be in when I grew up I would said that I wanted to be an engineer. Since I was 7 years old, I’ve had a particular interest in computers and electronic devices. Once we acquired our first home computer anytime something broke with it, I was the go-to-guy to get it back up and running again. Wondering how the computer transferred our commands into actions sparked my interest in the computer software field. As I grew up I realized that to pursue my passion as an engineer I would need to develop a set of skills that would help me reach my future goals.

Anyone can go through college and earn a degree, but once you are in the field and start working on projects there are some skills that not even a teacher can help you develop or give to you. An Engineer must be persistent, curious, patient, ambitious, and hard working, in order to be successful. Above all, the most important aspect in becoming an engineer is to be a good problem solver, and have the will and desire to resolve any obstacles that may come your way.

I feel that I possess these skills that are needed to become a successful software engineer, because when a problem is presented to me even if I do not know exactly how to fix it I will find a solution whether it is in a book, or through internet research. Becoming an engineer to me is more than just a job, it is what I have dreamed of doing since I was a young child, and it would be a huge accomplishment in my life goals. I will have a Great job that is consistently changing and challenging me to try new things and develop futuristic software.

I plan to study software engineering, with a focus towards aerospace engineering. Particularly, I am interested in programming missile and missile defense systems as applied towards national defense or the space industry. I intend on pursuing a master’s degree with the eventual goal of becoming a project manager. I wish to have creative freedom to apply my skills, as well as mentor junior engineers to help build them up within the various programs.

I have very high standards for myself as I know that I have the skills and the will to get there. My persistence helps me to get the job done just as it did when I first began working on computers. I had no real knowledge of how computers worked, but I wanted to get the problem solved and worked through it until the computer was back in running order. My current goal for self improvement is that I can take longer than I want to finish projects because I can spend considerable amounts of time working out all the details. I am trying to better focus to keep my eye on the essential details to produce a product that meets my own and a potential employer’s high standards while making efficient use of my time.


this is it.. I implied almost all changes you mentioned just did not cut out full paragraphs and when i tried to write some of it in my own words it just didnt sound anywhere near as good as it is now.

Checking your words.
 

If you would have asked me what profession I wanted to be in when I was growing up I would have said that I wanted to be an engineer. Since I was 7 years old, I’ve had a particular interest in computers and electronic devices. Once we acquired our first home computer anytime something went wrong with it, I was the go-to-guy to get it back up and running again. Wondering how the computer transferred our commands into actions sparked my interest in the computer software field. I realized that to pursue my passion as an engineer I would need to develop a set of skills that would help me reach my future goals.

Anyone can go through college and earn a degree, but once you are in the field and start working on projects there are some skills that not even a teacher can help you develop or give to you. An Engineer must be persistent, curious, patient, ambitious, and hard working, in order to be successful. Above all, the most important aspect in becoming an engineer is to be a good problem solver, and have the will and desire to resolve any obstacles that may come your way.

I feel that I possess these skills that are needed to become a successful software engineer, because when a problem is presented to me even if I do not know exactly how to fix it I will find a solution whether it is in a book, or through internet research. Becoming an engineer to me is more than just a job, it is what I have dreamed of doing since I was a young child, and it would be a huge accomplishment in my life goals. I will have a Great job that is consistently changing and challenging me to try new things and develop futuristic software.

I plan to study software engineering, with a focus towards aerospace engineering. Particularly, I am interested in programming missile and missile defense systems as applied towards national defense or the space industry. I intend on pursuing a master’s degree with the eventual goal of becoming a project manager. I wish to have creative freedom to apply my skills, as well as mentor junior engineers to help build them up within the various programs.

I have very high standards for myself as I know that I have the skills and the will to get there. My persistence helps me to get the job done just as it did when I first began working on computers. I had no real knowledge of how computers worked, but I wanted to get the problem solved and worked through it until the computer was back in running order. My current goal for self improvement is that I can take longer than I want to finish projects because I can spend considerable amounts of time working out all the details. I am trying to acquire better focus techniques in order to keep my eye on the essential details to produce a product that meets my own and a potential employer’s high standards while making efficient use of my time.


I would say that you have to finish it on your own from here. You are still not checking your own spelling or grammer. I changed it just a little bit more to make it read smoother, but there still may be a spelling issue or two that need fixing. It is still allot better than it was the first post you placed up here. Good luck with that.

You are nearly there, but a good closing line would be nice.

I did make a couple quick edits in a couple places. Nothing definative tho.
G/l w/ finishing it strong and getting it in. Best of luck

Ill let you know how it all goes

thanks guys

I owe ya!

the closing statement

In the words of William Arthur Ward “If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it.”

and im submitting it right now!

Here's one of my favorite quotation when I was in college taking up Mech'l engineering:

"Neccessity is the mother of all invention."

This was attributed to Plato who stated, "Necessity, who is the mother of invention.

I used to piss off my professors when I said, "Desparation, not necessity is the mother of invention" :lol::lol::mdr:.

Anyway, good luck.

Finally
 

It will be nice to see how you fared with your input. We wish you nothing but the best. We hope that you have gained a little knowledge though this exercise and plan on working through it in a way that will help you make some improvements in your own English skills, which in turn will help you become a better student. Good luck with that.