What's brown and sticky?



A stick.

What's green and smells like red paint?




Green paint.

Did you know Hellen Keller had a pet horse?




Neither did she?

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?




She's a woman.:whistle:

A servey of married couples has discovered that the doggy position is the most favoured. The man begs,the woman rolls over &plays dead :)

This made me laugh:

http://a5.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphot...90875900_n.jpg

Yeah yeah, see you in hell I guess... :lol:

Neil, that is the funniest thing in this thread!

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

but it's true ..... :whistle:

Chavs are like skidmarks in the toilet bowl. It's often fun to piss 'em off :)

Had to look up and see what a "Chav" was. Funny, I call them wiggers, but the same thing.

Q: what's 8 inches long, hard as a rock, and full off semen?


A: The sock under your bed

Dick Clark died? That was rather sudden wasn't it? I mean they didn't even do a countdown or anything

What key can get into anything? A pikey :)

ONLY A MAN
WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that: A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil olething couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE...!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, One note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. •My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. •The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. •My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. •My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. •I had no control over the drooling. •Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. •I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS:My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

what will licking a 2s lipo do ? Im about there

Its common to check a 9v alkaline with the tip of the tongue, rather see you try a 3s lipo ?

Get video !

Andy from disney's toy story's favourite toys are called Woody & Buzz, So are his mums :)

inspired by bondo's 9v battery comment above^

What do a 9v battery and a girl's butthole have in common?

You know you shouldn't, but you take a lick anyway.

Ok thats gross, please pass me the barf bucket.....

If you want to rock your girl's world, give it a try (but, just the edge, please)!

It must do something, Hippie and Harold have ben inseparable even since the sleep over years ago.

Even in the heat of the moment that doesnt sound like a good idea. If she wants her butthole licked, its gonna have to involve some peanut butter and the dog. Besides she wont even go ATM so why would she expect me to do it? lol.

Wow, you've never had real sex, heh!

(sarcasm)

Shoot, when you're down there tearing up the "upper" area, and you dip a bit too low, and all of a sudden you see exactly what it makes your girl do, you and her will both be ready and willing every single time!!!

thats so gross, you sure that isn't your sister Bama boy...:lol: I little touching the egde may get a moan and enjoyment but I get 1 mm too close I get a slap and "oh no you dont"

Haha, bingo...just like I said, "the edge", don't get too close, or...well, you get it!

I'll let the Sister/Bama thing go this time...

A man walks into the hobby shop just before closing time.

The owner says "Hey Bill, I thought your wife grounded you from the hobby shop for a while. Didn't she tell you to stop spending so much time with toy airplanes, and start hanging out with her once in a while?"

"Yeah, but I think she had a change of heart." said Bill

"How so?"

"Well, I came home from work and she met me at the door wearing new lingerie. The house was lit by candles and there were rose petals on the floor. She led me to the bedroom and handed me a pair of handcuffs. She told me I could chain her to the bed and do whatever I wanted.......so here I am!"

Hellz Yea! I like it!

Honest to God, a few years ago, when I was engaged...she was actually jealous of my Computer! I was a Web-Site Designer, Software Writer, Home & Office Networker and General PC Guru...and she hated it, and wanted me to get a new job, even though I made plenty of dough! Crazy Bs!

Know how you feel man. I actually met my wife back in 1998 in the days of cracking people with sub 7. We met no kidding hack/crak the same person. I was selling hardware in NYC she was writing code in Chicago. Good to have that stuff in common. She knows my RC problem, if it has a motor I want it. She about 2 years ago bought way to many vera wang boots, im talking 50 pairs for no reason, and told me to sell some RCs to pay her credit card. That was as close as we ever came to divorce. Sell my kids are you crazy lady

Those Vera Wang boots, or anything she designs/makes, are crazy expensive...kind of like a full-blown Supermaxx or something! It's RAD that she's a coder! Ask her if she remembers the handles "sano", "tekk", "dark" or "cobb"...

Man, I remember the Sub-7 days like it was yesterday...I started coding in Basic & Visual Basic back in 1989/90 when the first "pr0gz" were being made for AOL (remember AO-Hell?, heh)! Thanks to those first couple of years, I really found my passion for writing software and designing/building web-sites, and eventually learned all of the major Languages and started my own successful business! I kept it up until my back pain just got so bad I had lost all ability to concentrate on anything, especially writing thousands of lines of code! I still write apps every now and then for fun, and design web-sites for friends, but nothing like it used to be.

Anyway, I'm glad you guys didn't get a divorce...it seems like the divorce-rate is up to like 80% now!

Marriage is the #1 cause of divorce :lol:

Ed the Chicken
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You pooped in the bed!"

:lol::rofl:

Horsedick.jpg:na:

/\________ Haha, that's some funny ish, and the one before it! :lol:

Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me,an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,"Why it change? Yesterday,I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,"Fluctuations." The Asian lady says,"Fluc you white people too"

(You know you're laughing...)

back ground......in the uk we have a place called harrow.

so the joke goes..why do all the orientals end up in harrow.

because they get in a taxi and say "harro taxi driver"

:lol:

Anyone a fan of Startrek here? You'll like this...

[youtube]QpcoOTXdQbk[/youtube]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpcoOTXdQbk

:oops:

Niel, that was hilarious. That one tops the Matrix fart spoof.

Cheers Niel. MY sides actually hurt:lol:

Linc graces us with his presence, and what drew him from the darkness?

Fart jokes. The man loves his cylindrical orifices...:lol: