Caleb's leaving....
 

I've had my twelve year old son Caleb for the past three weeks and he's leaving tomorrow:( We've had such a blast. We spent 11 hours straight at the Mall of America, fixed and broke every one of my r/c's, played music together, had the birds and bees discussion, have logged probably 10 hours playing monopoly, cooked, dined out, watched movies and had video game marathons. I'm gonna miss my little buddy. I love him so much. That's his name tatted on my arm.......

http://i288.photobucket.com/albums/l...96_3442906.jpg

Good times:yipi: Great to hear.
His mum must be good looking:lol:

Jeez, that's tough. That must be a really hard thing to deal with...he looks like a great kid

He is, he's the best kid ever. That's not just biased bullshit, everyone that meets him says that. I wish he were MORE selfish and LESS giving, he always puts others first and I want him to get his.

He plays guitar, violin, piano and dabbles with the clarinet. He's awesome with younger kids, a born leader. He took a week long Childrens theatre class just before I got him and was the tin man in the wizard of Oz! He's polite and courteous, mature for his age, a whiz at video games and I think even smarter than me! We go back and forth winning strategy games such as chess. BEST KID EVER!

I'm f'ing torn up over him leaving tomorrow and can't sleep worth a damn so here I am on the internets.

I totally understand what your feeling. I don't recall if divorce is part of your equation, but it is for me. Early on I always questioned whether I should have stuck it out for the kid's sake. It's even worse when you have a really good relationship with your kid, as you do. Hang in there brother.

Good looking boy you got! I can't imagine sending mine off and not having him at home all of the time. Glad you two had an awesome time together and have such a good relationship. I'll keep you in my prayers bro, I know it's got to be tough!

Priceless.

Hey harold.
 

Good to see you. Yea it sucks going through things like that. We all have our crosses to bare. We owe it to ourselves to find the good in every situation and keep pushing forward. Life does not wait for any man. Sure it sucks that he is going home, but you had a great 3 weeks, and when will he be back for more? That is what you have to focus on man.

As you know I had similar circumstances in the passed, until the EX's warrenty ran out. After seven years of putting up with her shit the kids are finally with me now. I love them very much, but my EX and their former step-father really screwed their heads up. We have been working very hard to get them up to speed with where they should be. At least you have a good kid who's head is on straight. Thank God for your blessings Harold. It really is good to see that you have such a good relationship with your son. That is very cool. My oldest boy now 25 hated me for not being there throughout his childhood, but now he see's how things really were back then, and our relationship is great now. A lot of us really get screwed by the EX's, so you are in good shape from what we can see Harold. You have to smile for your son, and let him know how proud of him you are. That is the most important thing of all. We are here for you Bro.

Harold, hang in there. Your son sound like a great kid. Pat yourself on the back for that blessing. I can't immagine leaving my daughter for any length of time. She is my angel and gets me through rough times w/just a smile. Even though my wife and I will split w/in a year, I know that the bond I have w/my daughter is unbreakable. Children are the only true/pure gifts...spending only a small amount of time w/them or a lot of time, we all need to be thankful for our gifts.

I know your are hurt by your son leaving..hang in there and I will say a prayer for you and your son.

By the way..that is a great picture of you and your son!

That really is priceless. Most of us don't realize how much we love the ones closest to us until they are got. Cherish every moment.

Looks like an awesome child bro, he has kind eyes and an "ive had a good life smile". Congrats on raising him well. Unlike the cretins I inherited (wifes 2 nephews) stealing from me, breaking all my stuff and having the 5.0 rolling over here dumping them off 4 times this summer. Then again your boy isn't 16 yet lol... Keep the whip cracked !!! Spanking is NOT a crime heheh

I'm sure he knows just how much you love him & that's worth more than anything in the world. Doesn't make it any easier though

That's a good looking kid and based on what your are saying, did a darn good job raising him well.

Harold,

That sucks being without him, but as a father you want your child to be the best that he can. It sounds like you have already done that. Congrats! All of us that have kids hope our children will turn out like yours.

Mark

Truth
 

Isn't that the truth. We all struggle to teach our kids all the good things that we either did or wished that we had done. It's that free will thing that is really tough to deal with, but we all have it. Our parents try to teach us right and wrong, but it is all up to us which way we turn out. Kids today are really even more defiant then we were for the most part, and they are determind to do things their own way. It sounds like you are doing pretty well with your son Harold. Count your blessings, and hope that things keep going in that direction. As long as he lives in a relatively good environment with strong roll models to learn from he should be ok.

Kids aren't born that way their taught that way by their dad. Looks like you did a pretty good job there. Sorry to hear about him leaving.

^^^Damn Straight^^^

I have friends with kids that just don't seem to get that. They think my son even at 3 being polite and behaving is just a miracle of life and cannot seem to accept the fact that it takes time, patience, teaching, and a lot of effort to raise a child.

I agree, but I do believe that there is a very small percentage of kids who are born with things not "wired" properly. Jeffery Darmer perhaps as an example.

Thanks for all the kind words guys. I wish I had more of a part in raising him, he lives with his mom and she did an awesome job. I get all the gravy, but I absolutely support and follow everything she did to get him this far.

I didn't have Caleb anymore, so I needed to lean on some friends. Thanks for being here and the support everybody. Viva la RCM familia!:intello:

I cried like a baby when my daughter went off to school. Only the dogs saw me though. Hope this great get together you had with you son lead to them being more often.

I agree, it still goes back to the parents though, if you yell at a kid in (worse case scenario) a drunken rage he/she will walk around in a trance, bubble like state for days trying to rationalize it. Same with animals, you beat a dog (normal nice house dog not pitbull type dog) it wont ever trust you again. Kids need unconditional love and support and gentle guidance. Not saying an azzwhooping isn't necessary when they go over the line but as soon as you azzwhoop you forgive and hug them.. ?ya think

What to do???
 

Azzwhooopins are out. Look if you treat your kid with respect from the start and maintain a good relationship with them, there will be no reason for them to get out of control. Stay close with them and keep a good eye on everything they do, and they will not go over that line. I will not hit my kids, and I rarely raise my voice at them, but they know when I mean business because I spend a lot of time with them. Yes you are correct about recovering after you get angry though. If you get upset and scoled your kid you have to go back and explain what made you angry and help them understand why they cannot do the same thing again. Love is the biggest key. You have to let them know that you love them every step of the way so there is no confusion in their minds ever.

I made a promise to my girl 3 yrs. ago to not raise my voice at her anymore. So far I haven't needed to. She knows when I change my tone I mean business. Since I made the promise to her, we have grown even closer. It is amazing if you explain to kids right and wrong, back it up w/love and affection the end reslult should be a well rounded kid.

Correct.
 

Some of you may remember that I just acquired custody of my kids after their mother passed away last year. Well I spent seven years fighting with her just trying to get to spend time with our kids, and they were very leary of me from the start. It was like adopting, because they really did not know who I was with all the lies that were told to them. Well we told them right from the start that there would be no beatings of any kind, and as long as they do what is expected of them, that there would be no yelling at them either. I work very hard trying to make sure that they understand exactly what it is that they need to do in order to stay out of trouble, and they are quite receptive. When I get angry with one of them I walk away and take a few minutes to calm down, before I approach them for a discussion about the issue at hand. I explain what the problem is and why they need to change their perception. My word is law in our home, and they will respect that. I really push respect for all adults and I am working on respect for everyone, including each other since they still have fights with one another. I have been explaining how their treatment of their little sister (10) will set her expectations for her adult life with other men, and they are now changing the way they relate to her. It is a full time job for sure, and you really have to care and put forthe the effort to make it happen.

We have been here one year now and things have really changed for them and our relationship is getting a whole lot better now. Just getting them to realize that they are not on the same level with adults was a challenge, but they have come a long way. They just spent 6 weeks with their grandparents and even they are amazed how differnet the behave now(pleased). I believe that the reason people beat their kids is because they do not know how to explain themselves to their kids. Raising kids is not an automatic God given gift. It is a self taught learning experience that one has to want to do well for their kids.

I hear what you guys are saying but not all falimilies are like that. I inherited 2 teenagers many years after their parents died. I didn't have a hand in raising them, they were dropped on my doorstep by a giant stork lol. they have their ways and means and its so hard to break them of this (stealing, smoking etc). Its depressing and pathetic. I was going to throw them out of my house but I took a roadtrip in my car (got the jetta going 142mph) debating to yank the wheel if you know what I mean. I saw a bunch of farm houses and thought about having no one and I don't want them to be like that. I am just unprepared for the hell god is putting me through LOL

He must have put them in your care for a reason....and not to torment you. Although it probably feels like it. Inheriting 2 teenagers at any time would be a monumental task. In your situation...wow....what a tough spot. Hang in there and hopefully things will work out for all of you.

Thanks. Some day I better get a big ass bucket of good karma coming my way. Hasn't heppened yet or maybe I just don't recognize it. FYI my lady practices some weird santaria type crap being an islander and she has lit candles for you guys when I tell her about the troubles in your paths. Keep on keeping on right

It is amazing to me than so many of us have had trouble recently of one form of another. What makes RCM special is that fact that so many here truly care for mankind.

Melting pot.
 

Just another melting pot, right? Hey Jayjay believe me I know where your coming from. When my oldest son turned 18 his step-father threw him out and he came to visit me. Of course I had no idea he had been tossed out on his rear. It was a real nightmare, but also a blessing. A few weeks later my 16 year old daughter also decided she did not want to miss out on the fun, so she came to stay with me as well(for one year). Double trouble for sure. It took a lot of patients on my part, and a lot of one on one conversations to help them realize what they were doing wrong. There are two ways to approach things like this, and sometimes in combination works best. First you have to get them to see things from your side, which is never as easy as it sounds, but it is possible. Then you have to get them to want to make positive changes in themselves in order to improve their own lives. Of course they are so rebelious, and unconvinced up front, but when you lay things out for them to see just how different things can be, well believe me they want nothing less than the best life that can be given to them.

The real chore in all of this is getting them to see that it has to be achieved by their own two hands. That is where the truly enlightening experience lies. Both of them are now 25 & 22 and working their own way through college now, without our help. The best part is that they now see the light and respect us for our efforts and knowledge. No it is not an easy task, but if you are committed to the challenge you can make anything happen. Sometimes we need outside assistance as a communication buffer. What ever it takes.

You cannot expect any kind of repayment either by way of Karma or any other source. If it comes, it comes. God does not torture us, he challenges us. It is not in the failing or succeeding that we are defined. It is in the efforts of recovery that truly define who we are.

Well said Jerry

Jerry, good advise man. Thank you. Im going to go about this differently now. Hes about to restart highschool and im going to let everything go, a clean slate if you will, and try to make it positive. Im going to have a man to man with him about getting ahead using his own 2 hands. Sorry for sidetracking your thread Harold. Maybe im having a midlife crisis at 38 ? I think im going to print out what Jerry said and let the kid read it.

Time
 

Time can be ones enamy and also your best friend. If our kids don't open their eyes while there is still time to make positive changes to their own way of thinking, then it will be a very rough road for you and for them. I watch all of these screwed up kids on Dr. Phil and Oprah, with the parents blaming their kids. It is the parents fault if they do not make the time and give the best effort possible to help them see what is out there for them. Yes there are some kids who just want to fight all the way into adulthood, but they are the ones who have to suffer for the lack of effort on their own part. As long as we try and do everything in our power to help them, well then we can sleep peacefully at night knowing that we did our best.

I am lucky because I now have a job that allows me to work out of our home. This gives me the time to be here for our kids every single day 24/7. I tell them every day that if they have any questions, that I am here to share whatever knowledge and/or experience I can with them. Our 13 year old was working with me yesterday. He wanted a second desk in his room so I cut out the wood and told him how to finish up the project. He began to ask me how I knew so many things, and how to do all of the stuff that I can do. It was an enlightening moment for both of us. I have been quietly working alone doing whatever needed to be done, and I told each of them that if they wanted to help out around the house that it was up to them. I don't force them to do anything outside of their own responsibilities. We do expect each ot them to follow the daily routine that we set for them. At first they were like man why do we have to wash my own dishes, and clean my rooms.

Every single morning (10, 12, & 13) they get up, make their beds, take a shower, get dressed, clean their rooms, make breakfast, and clean up after themselves before they can go out and do anything else. Each of them now has a chore to accomplish each week to earn an allowance, and I do not except partial work either. If they do not do everything they are expected to do, no payment that week. It really hurt to say no a few times, but it pays off in the long run. I explained it this way. If you hired someone in your own home to do something and they only did half of the work or a half azz job, would you want to pay them? I use simple comparible analligies to raise thier own thinking. Besides their chores they each have one day every week to do their own laundry and put their clothes away. It has been a year but they now do this without any fighting or whining. They now see that if they are more cooperative, that we are more cooperative and giving to them. Checks and balances. One way communications are great once you have established the rules and guidlines, but you have to explain everything in detail for them in order for them to know exactly what is expected of them.

I also have one other ace in the hole. I was a bootcamp drill instructor for nearly 6 years (1990-1996)during my 20 years in the US Navy. I learned how to change young men and women who were so called set in their ways and unrecoverable. Believe me everyone wants to be a better person, but some just don't believe that they can do any better, or that they do not deserve any support. You have to take charge and whip them into shape. (without the whipping though). Never directly insult them by calling them names. You have to use positive psycology if you want the right results. Get them to work with you not for or against you. You have to convince them that your way is the better way, and that they will reap the rewards for cooperation in the long run. Trust me these are the kinds of efforts that work time and time again. I trained over 1000 recruits during my time, and I was rewarded over and over again watching them succeed in acquiring their goals. I hope this helps you see that there is always hope. And thank you Harold for opening the door on this conversation. Whatever has been done in order to get your son to this point you have helped him see that it is worth it by your emotions about his behavior. Love does not always have to be a factor, but it helps.

I had the 1 on 1 man talk with the boy. I used the acheivements with your own 2 hands and he got it. I haven't seen him smile like that in awhile. I was getting worried he'd pull a Columbine. Magman and Jerry your words and advise. I don't know how to say it, thank you, you will never know what it meant and how much it helped. I can't express it. Thanks for being there

not a problem. I'm enjoying this thread. Discussions like this don't happen at trx forums, that's why I'm here.

my sister has a PHD in psychology and I get the best advise from you retards. $500 an hour I owe you all

what???
 

Thats Mr. Retard to you, and keep your money. No really I do love being able to help others in distress When I may have something to offer. I am always happy to help, and I hope that your situation works out for the best. Working with any kid can be difficult, but all they need is someone to care enough to teach them something that will help make their life better in some small way. Reall Jayjay good luck with that. Harold we are still with you man. Find the good in every day and look forward to the next hookup with your son. Don't let any negative thoughts keep you imprissoned. Life is just too dammed short for that crap.

this is what I left him in his book, he writes songs and they are pretty depressing. I took from you Jerry and wrote this to him, Its days old and Im not trying to write a song or anything id spend more time and put it in iambic pentamiter (sp?) It really caught his attention so I thought I'd dump it on Mikes hard drive incase it helps anyone else

If you steal from me you used your own 2 hands
If you don't get into college its because you chose not to study with your own 2 hands
If you don't have a car its because you chose not to work more, enough or save with your own 2 hands
Life is about what you can achieve with your own 2 hands. Look at your hands and think about what you can accomplish.


It kind of relates to how he blamed his issues on everyone but himself. Then I was thinking what about a war vet who lost a hand. I had a line about building a sand castle as a kid and the feeling, but hes never been to the beach. Anyway thought id drop it incase

How you holding up Harold? I hope you realize Caleb has been telling everyone what a great time he had and how smart and cool his dad is. According to your description I doubt he is bragging about letting you win. So that's good news right?


Jerry that's good advice from our resident Dr. Jerry. There something about expereice that carries more weight then when it quoted from a book. I agreed and it is real simalar to what I believe. The only thing is I didn't feel bad about not forking over the allowance on a poor no pay. The chores were inspected if you will, and they either got a pass with pay or a poor no pay rating.

FYI: There are over 30 STD that can be contracted today by our little ones. Some incurable, some fatal. How many were there when you were trying to convice you first gf you loved her?

Jayjay it's cool that you care enough about these kids to make a difference. Beleive me you are going to make a difference and at times it will not seem like it. Kids can be cunning and devioius, and if they know which buttons to push... well lets just hope they all don't push them at the same time. lol Being consistent will make a differnce for them and you. Like jerrys morning drill is consistent but also consistent with each of them individually. It will be easier to build trust. If you say your door is always open for them to talk about anything. Well make sure you mean it before you say it and that it is always open. Even during the Superbowl if that when they come calling. It doesn't take but the first minute to find out if timmy is in the well or they need new shoes. Punishments should be consistent also the rewards for positive behaviour. Sound like training a dog don't it. If they make a mess don't rub thier nose in it. You might get a visit from the CPS. Unlike dogs you do not have to catch them in the act for them to know why they are being given punishment.
You know there would be people that in your situatioin that would only be thinking they just need to get through the next couple of years. Maybe feeling some self pity and slurring out the question "Why did this happen to me, I had plans. I could of been a contender.", etc. I get the impression you've made the committment to be there until it's time for you to get off this rock. If you haven't told them they are stuck with you from here on out. Sit em down and let them know your going to be expecting nicer gifts on fathers as the years on the job start accumulating. Also, you will still hold them accountable for the actions even when they are in their 30's. You are there for them now and will be there for them in the future. It's better to get that out of the way. Just incase they are thinking that all they need to do is get through the next couple of years. Nope, they are not getting off that easier. We don't need anymore young adults on welfare. So we tax payers are counting on you jayjay to stick with this. You can't make a difference in thier lives if you jerk the steering wheel and I can't afford anymore taxes. Joking aside. You can stand tall and be proud of what you are doing. There's some hard work ahead but it will be worth it. You know, there are people out there that think they are a "man", but a swinging dick don't make you a man. IMHO What you are doing makes a man. You have my respect.

You are correct.
 

GEE you are the man. Experience is the best teacher for sure. One of the frist things we did last year was to tell our kids that they were not moving to Korea just because they had to, but because we loved them and this is their life now. No running home to grandma's house or aunte whatever. This is our family now and we have to work together to make it the best that it can be for all of us. Sure it was hard for them to swallow, but it finally has sunk in. It is amazing to think of how they were a year ago, and how they behave now after a year of us coaching them along. I just had the discussion with them yesterday about how our relationship is one of mutual trust, and respect. We will trust and respect them until they give us a reason not to. THey have to turst and respect us to do right by them. So they are starting with a clean slate, and where it goes from here is up to them. Our entire extended family is amazed with how much they have improved in just 12 months.

You know your kid is a great young man Harold. Like Gee stated be proud of that fact, and like a new plant you just have to give him love and encouragement to continue to grow in the right direction. Isn't parenthood great? Once you get how it works it is the coolest thing we get to do as adults.

Man Harold, im sorry for jacking up your thread. I saw the pic of you and you kid all smiles and so happy and it really made me do some soul searching and take some time for introspection. Gee, I was a crap parent, I get it. He has no other father and if I fail him its going to be on all Americans to deal with it. All of your words have made such a difference in a couple peoples lives. He is walking around joking and enjoying life, looking forward to school tomorrow. You don't know how much joy that gives me and you all set me in the right direction. ...A lady came over last night and wanted me to sign a card for the neighbor. His 15 year old daughter hung herself with a belt in the closet, I saw her 2 days ago playing volleyball in the front yard. Today some kid showed up at school and had 10 pipe bombs a shotgun and a chainsaw in Cali. Just stuff like that made me afraid to try and succeed with him because if I failed what are the consequences. Should you change the title of this thread to Jays depressing baby whining ? Just want you to know alls good and its because of you.