engineering scholarship essay. what do you think?
 

hey guys my engineering teacher gave us all the oppurtunity to get a scholarship that only our small school offers. It is only 600 bucks but that money will pay for the books that i had to buy this semester. basically this is what the instructions say.
500 word essay on "my ambitions to be an engineer" explaining, amongst other items, what does the engineering profession offer, your personal mission and goals, the discipline of engineering you wish to pursue, and your person strengths and weakness.

Im not sure if i exactly answered all the questions because my first paragraph was so long but to me it is somewhat needed so they get a background on who i am. I would have written another 3-400 words but I think this is one of those essays that more is not better.

anyways let me know what you all think and i am 100% open to suggestions and criticism.

Ryan Dodd
1-24-10
My Ambitions To Be An Engineer

When I was a little boy all of my friends around me were dreaming to become an Astronaut, Policeman, Firefighter, etc, but all I imagined myself doing was fixing and working with electronic devices. Although I loved playing sports and getting dirty I always seemed to find time to play around with gadgets we had laying around our house, I remember the first time I ever fixed anything. When the old school brick game boy came out me and my younger brother had to share it, and one day he got honey all over it and caused the buttons to stick. My mom told us that she would get us another one once Christmas came up, but I really wanted to play so I went out in our garage, found a few tools to open it up and cleaned all the honey out of it. This may not seem like a huge achievement but at 6 years old I felt pretty cool. A few years later I asked my mom what type of profession I could pursue in order to do these things and her first response was, “Some type of an engineer.” Seeing as I was only 8 or 9 years old I had no idea what an engineer was so I set off on a journey to figure this out. AOL had just come out and we had it on our computer so I went on and sat there waiting for five minutes until the homepage came up. After looking at all the types of engineering opportunities I had found out that the computer-software type was the right one for me.
Our family always had a computer in the house, and I have always used it for entertainment purposes and an informational tool. Whenever something went wrong with the computer my parents would ask me if I was able to fix it, and even though I had no idea what was wrong I could always find a way to get it working again. There are a number of skills that are needed in order for someone to be a successful engineer. Everyone can go through college and get their degree, but once you are in the field and start working on projects there are some skills that no teacher can teach you. An Engineer must be persistent, curious, patient, ambitious, and hard working, just to name a few. Above all, the most important aspect to be an engineer is to be a good problem solver, and have the will and desire to solve any problem that comes your way.
I feel that I possess these skills that are needed to become a great software engineer because when a problem is presented to me even if I do not know exactly how to fix it I will find a solution whether it is in a book, or on the internet, I will find a solution. To become an engineer to me is more than just a job, it is what I have dreamed of doing since I was little and would be a huge accomplishment. There are many benefits that would from pursuing a job as a software engineer. I will have a Great job that is constantly challenging me to try new things and develop futuristic software, and the software I develop could potentially benefit society and lead to innovative ways of projecting the flight pattern to the moon or the trajectory that is needed to propel a missile from one of the weapons used by the military. Being a software engineer will lead to many opportunities, more than I can even imagine, and that is what makes this such a great career opportunity because as long as there are engineers out there the possibilities are endless.

Well.... you need a gramar check. And you also need to delete some commas, lots of run ons. Yes this is gramatical (sp?) stuff but that may be the only thing that makes you stand out. An engineer needs to be a leader, and a good grasp of the english language is required. No one listens if you do not sound like you know what is going on! Not to say that you essay was crap, but I could remove at least half of it, retain the same points, and leave room for you to add what is necessary.

You did not really state your ambitions. This is important. Tell them you want to be a leader, that you want to fulfill your life by mastering your profession and applying it to ever facet of your life. I like the background info, but cut that back a bit. You need to focus on who you are, and what you are going to make out of yourself. You may not have any concrete goals (you are young, and goals are not really obvious) but you can always take a look into the future and dream. Goals and dreams are important, stress that too.

Now I am no english scholar, went to U for mech eng myself. But you have to stand out somehow, and I do not think that wearing a pimp costume to class will work for you (it did for me, not with the teachers, but the girls remembered me...)

Of course all of my advice is based on experinces I had 10yrs ago, and I did drop out of U to take over my dad's business. Left a full scholarship behind (room, board, books the whole deal) but I am doing better than anyone else that I know. I took a risk and it paid off, not without alot of hard work and hard times. Nothing is easy, but coming across mature and level headed will separate you from your peers, at least to whoever is reading these essays.

So your milage may vary. Keep in mind that this is a good exercise for you. Win or lose the experience will teach you. Nothing ventured, nothing gained....

I had to download something to read it. I ain't into that.

it should just be MS word.. maybe you have works?

And grammar is the one thing that i will be tuning before i send it in next week.

ill work on the first paragraph and add what you said james.

thanks!

Can you copy and paste it to the thread?

I can do some corrections for you. I know when someone tells you to take commas and shit out it can be hard. Obviously you put them in there thinking they were correct so you most likely wont find all the errors.

It wasnt horrible but again, there were some run ons and extra commas. Your spelling was spot-on. Again, let me know if you want me to help with some corrections so you can get directed in the right direction on knowing how your next paragraphs should be.

Coming from an engineer I have a couple suggestions.

1. Adjectives like "old school" do not belong in a technical paper, essay, or any other writing. (Used when talking about the game boy.)

2. You spend a paragraph and a half talking about your background. Background is good for an essay, but cut it down to a short paragraph. Engineers need to learn to write short and information dense. In the future your manager/adviser may read more than a couple sentences of what you write, so you need to get the information across as quick as possible. You are right that less is more in this case, but you need to appeal to the reader as well.

3. Spend more time with your ambitions, your 5, 10, 20 year plans. For example, I would highlight that I am working on my PhD, one reason for that is to "give back" and hopefully help people younger than me learn something that interests them.

4. Also it asks for your strengths and weaknesses, you did not talk about that other than in the background. DO NOT ignore weaknesses, but make your weaknesses into strengths. EX. I am not always organized, but I have been keeping a day planner, and plan out all my classes, hopework, and other activities in order to maintain time for everything. That example is more like for a job interview, but the same concept applies when writing.

5. Finally sneak in how the money will be useful to you, without asking for money. If that makes sense to you. This is important to do whenever money is on the line. Whether writing for an essay, or writing a grant proposal, or whatever else.

These are just my suggestions, do not feel that I am knocking your essay in any way. With some grammatical checking I think it will be fine, but these are just some suggestions that may help you improve the essay a little, and hopefully give you the edge.

posted it into the thread. and if any of you have some grammar corrections I definetly would appreciate that because i do lack alot in that area.

billy gunn i really apprecaite your comments ill look it over right now and try to figure out some things to delete and add

thanks

ok so im trying to cut the first paragraph down a bit, but not exactly sure where to start. I really can cut the whole thing out and it will be fine..

heres the ambittions goals and strenghts weaknesses...

just finished it so its pretty rough

10 years from now I see myself with a bachelor’s degree in engineering working for an aerospace or defense corporation as their senior software engineer developing the latest software for the government to use. 20 years down the road I plan to have completed my master’s degree and being A projects manager engineer working with young engineers in hopes to develop their new career into something memorable. A few strengths of mine that will help me achieve these goals is that I have very high standards for myself and will not settle for anything less because I know that I have the skills to get there. People have told me that to become and engineer you have to be extremely smart and ready to take on challenges and that is what is so exciting to me and makes me try harder because I know that once I am where I want to be I will feel completely satisfied with myself. Everyone has their faults and for me at times I can be somewhat of a procrastinator, but since registering for college I have realized that this needs to stop and so I keep myself very organized by what needs to get done and when. Although some work I do is put off until the last minute it never shows and I will not put out any work that I am not proud of because of my high standards in myself.

Good advice
 

That is some good advice from James and BillyGun. Your on the right track, but writing for most of us cannot happen all at once. On the first paragraph try rewriting it shorter as stated, and then merge the info to finalize your point. Don't try to correct and write over the same thing. Start fresh. YOu may come up with a better way to express yourself the second or third time around.

Grammer and spelling are paramount when you have a professor or teacher anylizing your work for money. You have to look at this as if it were a resume' for a job. He is looking for what you would bring to his field if you become an engineer, so you have to sell yourself as a good bet. Its not about what you can get out of it, but what you can put into the endevor. Most importantly how the engineering field will benefit having you as a coleague.

I agree with the comments above but I'm probably a bit harser - Not sure how old you are but as late 30's engineer I'm not sure this hits my buttons - Its all in the language:

Old
This may not seem like a huge achievement but at 6 years old I felt pretty cool.


New
Looking back this small achievement kindles a passion for understanding how things work.

Old
AOL had just come out and we had it on our computer so I went on and sat there waiting for five minutes until the homepage came up. After looking at all the types of engineering opportunities I had found out that the computer-software type was the right one for me.

New
From the age of 8 I was introduced to computers as home and was always instantly fascinated by their ability to connect me to anywhere in the world. As I've grown up fixing the family and friends computers and writing small software programs I've ben led towards a career in software engineering...


You should also focus on linking your paragraphs you jump mid flow to new topics which makes it difficult to follow and disjointed or worse still you just copied bits from google and through them together...

Example - You flip mid sentence
Our family always had a computer in the house, and I have always used it for entertainment purposes and an informational tool. Whenever something went wrong with the computer my parents would ask me if I was able to fix it, and even though I had no idea what was wrong I could always find a way to get it working again. There are a number of skills that are needed in order for someone to be a successful engineer. Everyone can go through college and get their degree, but once you are in the field and start working on projects there are some skills that no teacher can teach you. An Engineer must be persistent, curious, patient, ambitious, and hard working, just to name a few. Above all, the most important aspect to be an engineer is to be a good problem solver, and have the will and desire to solve any problem that comes your way.

BUT this resume has to be you otherwise it will show very quickly that you got someone else to write it... If you don't talk this way you can't write this way...

PS above isn't perfect its 6:50 am I'm late for work but wanted to give you something...

Well i would like to say that i did not copy anything from google, but you are 100% right. I do jump topics and its one of the many downfalls I have in writing..

Since my personal speech is not very "smart or professional" it is real hard to write like that as you mentioned.

ill fix those sentenses that you mentioned.

Isn't that what you said about a year ago when you asked for help on a paper then? If you go back and look at that one, your writing now is vastly better than it was then. I seem to recall that I could hardly make it through one paragraph of that paper....
Communcation skills should be considered one of the top three characteristics when hiring professional employees....

Its funny i looked up that paper before i posted this because I wasnt sure if that other paper was on this same topic.. Its nice to hear that I have improved and maybe i dont notice it but with friends i don't see an improvement in speech.

good to know my writing has improved some..

arct1k- I changed your sentences that you mentioned and when doing so I looked over them to see if i can change a few of your wording because i dont want to copy exactly what you wrote but honestly i don't know how to change any of it without losing its purpose. let me know if you do not want me using your words and ill find another way to say it because if you do not mind i will just keep it like you put it.. Sounds a hell of a lot more professional than how i had it.

Oh and BTW this paper is due on the 31st if i did not mention that. Around wednesday or Thursday i will be turning it in because i do not want to be one of those few who turn it in 5 minutes before its due.. --something i usually do.. but for this i feel that it will be looked down on--

Resume" maker.
 

Oh and BTW this paper is due on the 31st if i did not mention that. Around wednesday or Thursday i will be turning it in because i do not want to be one of those few who turn it in 5 minutes before its due.. --something i usually do.. but for this i feel that it will be looked down on--[/QUOTE]

You might want to spend some time reading through a good book like Resume" writer to help you with doing projects like this one. Plus you need to get used to writing up resume's anyway for getting a job in the near future. This is only the begining for you doing things like this. You have gotten some good advice from some of the guys on here, but you have to do all of the leg work if you want to learn from it. Good luck with this project and make sure you come back to let us know how it went for you.

I'll be fair, but a bit harsh. Its no help to you to sugarcoat things. I do think the guys above had some very good points.

Synopsis:
Too long, too casual, too weepy-eyed and cliche. Grammar needs quite a bit of work. Overall, its kinda boring and campy and makes me want to throw it out before the end, really by paragraph one. Not the kinda response you want to illicit from someone looking to give you money.

Not a lost cause tho, just needs some sharper focus mainly.

One, realize that whomever is reading these will be getting a lot of them. They will have to slog through a whole pile just to hand out a few hundred bucks of someone else's money. They will be looking for excuses to toss one aside and move on. I would have tossed this by "old school brick gameboy," and I actually happen to know what you are talking about.

It says 500 words (which you are over btw,) but don't think that means you need to fill the whole thing out. If you can write a an essay that is high impact in 300 words, perfect. If it looks short, I'd be more likely to read the whole thing anyway. In essence, don't worry too much about what the instructions say, and try to put yourself as the reader.

Cut out all the extraneous details and tangenial information. Cut right to the point and make it strongly and concisely. Backfill with as much info as needed to make the point and entertain the reader, but little more.

You may want to try bulleting your main points to your essay and re-build it on there. Then write it out from your outline, and go back and see what gets a big long winded/off-topic/ irrelevent and cut it out, or merge it down with another point.

EG:


BG: Paragraph 1

• Lifelong interest in gadgetry, mechanics and repair
• Particular interest in computers, esp software

• Couple of examples demonstrating this: Ie. Go-to guy for computer repair, whatever other reasons you like software. I'd be nice to foreshadow the goals below.
• Don't make this crap too long as no one really cares

Strengths/Weaknesses: Paragraph 2

• Strong problem solver, persistent to see it thru. Show some an example. Maybe work the computer repair bit in here
• Weakness: Procrastination, and you've just had an epiphany and are on the road to recovery? IDK... don't be too self deprecating. Try to find a weakness that is really a strength,

• Ie: "I can take longer than I want to finish projects because I can spend considerable amount of time working out all the details. I am trying to learn to focus on the essential details to produce a product that meets my own high standards while making efficient use of my time."-Its hard to write these. You don't want be too obvious about it: "The great tragedy of my life is my wang is so big I can't find a proper pair of pants. Boo hoo. :("

Goals: Para 3 (this is where you make it or break it)
-Be very concise and focused, sound like you know exactly what you are doing and the path you are on (even if its BS.) You have some good material in there. Just strengthen it a bit.
-IE, you want to sound like you have a clear plan and direction, and you are giving the reader a chance to assist in your efforts. Make them want to invest in you, so its sounds like they are making a wise choice. Don't sound like a pie in the sky dreamer who will be cast on the wind w/ no direction.
EG:
-"I plan to study software engineering, with a focus towards aerospace engineering. Particularly, I am interested in programming missle systems as applied towards defense or the space industry. I intend on persuing a masters degree with the eventual goal of becoming a project manager. I wish to have creative freedom to apply my skills, as well as mentor junior engineers to build them up within the program."

Lastly, why this money helps. Can be simple imo.
-"I am persuing this scholarship to recieve assistance towards books and tuition, so I may devote more time to pot and hookers."
-Thank the reader for their time and consideration.


Well... that got long. Hope it helps. g/l

And remember
 

And remember not to get angry or threatened by some of the responses on here, because you asked for our help. Don't get emotional or defensive over the way some point out your weak points in your writing. That is just the way some people have learned to teach others. Everyone who has posted here up to now is trying to help you with positive feedback, even if they throw some wrenches in your work. I personally am impressed with some of the responses you received considering that we are all here for the R/C hobby. Not bad for a bunch of guys who play with little R/C vehicles, huh? Now get back to work and post up another version of your rough draft so we can help you rebuild it and make it better. We are all here for you for free, but time is money.

Lots of good suggestions have been posted. Post up a revision, so you can get some more feedback. A couple last thoughts for you, that I forgot to put in my first post.

1. As has been stated by others, this is like a resume. Look at some online resources or books on writing resumes.

2. I don't know if this is to be submitted electronically or a hard-copy, but a lot of electronically submitted papers are run though a program that determines what percentage of the paper has been "plagiarized" or cut and pasted. Even hard-copies can be scanned in and the same thing done to them. I don't know how common this is outside of my school, but every paper that goes though my university has to go though this. There is nothing wrong with asking people or this forum for help, but this thread will get pulled up if they do run your paper though one such search program. If you choose to use suggestions made in this thread, make sure that you put them in your own words. It may not seem like a big deal for a paper like this but later in your career, if not already, you will write technical papers that will get published. When you write a technical paper it is important to cite all your sources and do your own work.

I just finished up rough drafts of two technical journal papers. Both papers are fairly short, 20 pages, but they each have 30+ sources, even though the papers are on original work. I went through countless times to make sure that each piece of work that wasn’t mine was cited. I also went through countless times to make sure that each sentence was worded by me, and not cut and pasted. This process has been going on in the background for the last several months.

^^^ hmm. Glad I didn't have to deal with that when I was in school. Not that I CnP'd my papers, but just sounds like an extra hassle.

FWIW, I hereby grant Ryan full and fair use of my phrasing of using the money for weed and hookers.
:)

Then again, the idea to only implicitly ask for the money is a good idea as well. If the prof knows you have hundreds of dollars worth of weed, he may want some.

Funny stuff.
 

Now thats funny Finster. This poor kid is going to be corupted by the RCM forum if this keeps up. Just do your best and have someone creditable look it over for you. Bottom line is that this has to be your work. WOW a program that can detect plagerism? What a PITA. Post up your revamp and let us tear it apart.:lol:

^^^ Good stuff, I snuck a lot of references into my papers through school. Never hookers and weed though. I think that it may be a bad idea for this paper, or it might be a great idea.. :neutral::lol:

While its a PITA for those of us that don't cheat, the amount of cheating even at a college level is nothing short of amazing to me. I know that at my school they won't even give it a second glance unless it comes back as 30-40+% plagiarized. There is only a finite number of ways to explain something, especially if it's a technical process or something of that nature. It is mostly used to catch the people who buy papers off the net.

12 years ago if you would have asked me what profession I wanted to be in when I grow up I would have told you that I wanted to be an engineer. When I was 7 years old I had a particular interest in computers and electronic devices. Once we got our home computer when anything went wrong with it I was the go-to-guy to get it back up and running again. I always wondered how the computer knew what to do when I gave it commands, and that sparked up my interest in the computer software discipline. As I grew up I realized that to pursue my passion as an engineer id need to develop a set of skills that will help me reach my future goals.
Everyone can go through college and get their degree, but once you are in the field and start working on projects there are some skills that no teacher can teach you. An Engineer must be persistent, curious, patient, ambitious, and hard working, just to name a few. Above all, the most important aspect to be an engineer is to be a good problem solver, and have the will and desire to solve any problem that comes your way.
I feel that I possess these skills that are needed to become a great software engineer because when a problem is presented to me even if I do not know exactly how to fix it I will find a solution whether it is in a book, or on the internet. To become an engineer to me is more than just a job, it is what I have dreamed of doing since I was little and would be a huge accomplishment. I will have a Great job that is consistently challenging me to try new things and develop futuristic software.
I plan to study software engineering, with a focus towards aerospace engineering. Particularly, I am interested in programming missile systems as applied towards defense or the space industry. I intend on pursuing a master’s degree with the eventual goal of becoming a project manager. I wish to have creative freedom to apply my skills, as well as mentor junior engineers to build them up within the program. A few strengths of mine that will help me achieve these goals is that I have very high standards for myself and will not settle for anything less because I know that I have the skills to get there. My persistence is what really helps me to get the job done because like when I was little working on computers I had no real knowledge of how they worked or anything, but wanted to get the problem solved and worked with the problem until it was fixed. Everyone has their faults and for me at times I can be somewhat of a procrastinator. I can take longer than I want to finish projects because I can spend considerable amount of time working out all the details. I am trying to learn to focus on the essential details to produce a product that meets my own high standards while making efficient use of my time.


535 words now.

new run... hope its better..? i took out a bunch of things that weren't necessarily
needed and pretty much copied and pasted everything you all told me to write in it... I can change it to my own words but it definetly will lose its meaning and power.

Just a little rewrite.
 

12 years ago if you would have asked me what profession I wanted to be in when I grew up I would have told you that I wanted to be an engineer. When I was 7 years old I had a particular interest in computers and electronic devices. Once we acquired our first home computer anything that went wrong with it, I was the go-to-guy to get it back up and running again. I always wondered how the computer transferred our commands into actions, and that sparked my interest in the computer software field. As I grew up I realized that to pursue my passion as an engineer I would need to develop a set of skills that would help me reach my future goals.

Anyone can go through college and earn a degree, but once you are in the field and start working on projects there are some skills that not even a teacher can help you develop or give to you. An Engineer must be persistent, curious, patient, ambitious, and hard working, in order to be successful. Above all, the most important aspect in becoming an engineer is to be a good problem solver, and have the will and desire to resolve any obstacles that may come your way.

I feel that I possess these skills that are needed to become a successful software engineer, because when a problem is presented to me even if I do not know exactly how to fix it I will find a solution whether it is in a book, or through internet research. Becoming an engineer to me is more than just a job, it is what I have dreamed of doing since I was a young child, and it would be a huge accomplishment in my life goals. I will have a Great job that is consistently changing and challenging me to try new things and develop futuristic software.

I plan to study software engineering, with a focus towards aerospace engineering. Particularly, I am interested in programming missile and missile defense systems as applied towards National Defense or the space industry. I intend on pursuing a master’s degree with the eventual goal of becoming a project manager. I wish to have creative freedom to apply my skills, as well as mentor junior engineers to help build them up within the various programs.

My personal strengths that will assist me in achieving these goals is that I have very high standards for myself and will not settle for anything less because I know that I have the skills and the will to get there. My persistence is what really helps me to get the job done. Just as it did when I first began working on computers. I had no real knowledge of how computers worked or what made them tic, but I knew that I wanted to get the problem solved and worked through the problem until it was back in running order. Everyone has their faults and for me at times I can be somewhat of a procrastinator. I can take longer than I want to finish projects because I can spend considerable amounts of time working out all the details, but I am trying to learn focus, and keep my eye on the essential details to produce a product that meets my own high standards as well as whatever standards are set by my employer while making efficient use of my time.

I am sure Freeze has some extra "unused" material from his pants that he can donate to your cause Finn. I feel your pain but luckily I managed to buy out MC Hammer's entire wardrobe when he fell on hard times. Plenty of room in those parachute pants for me!

As for the pot and hooker comment, I would say you plagarized me, I put something in a college paper about booze and skanks... Got an A on that one. Mostly due to the fact that I cited my sources for the skanks... and included samples of the booze.


Very true, but it is always cool to meet the prof out at the bar for some drinking and attempted womanizing... Noting like seeing an old dude trying to pick up on college girls! Best laughs I have had in a while, now I know how Jerry feels (rimshot!)

Everyone has their faults. and for me at times I can be somewhat of a procrastinator. I can take longer than I want to finish projects because I can spend considerable amount of time working out all the details. I am trying to learn to focus on the essential details to produce a product that meets my own high standards while making efficient use of my time.


remove the bolded, that's just bashing yourself. Saying you take longer than you want is enough of a fault. Add the period after "faults" like I did.

nobody likes a procrastinator!

It's looking a lot better!!

Major
 

I'm no English major either, but that is what I translated your words into. You need to work on smoothing things out just a bit and making it look like what you read in the books. It needs to look somewhat cimetrical and paragraphed correctly. What I would do if I were in your position is find an English Major and ask them for help getting your work cleaned up a bit. That might be easier than going back and forth on the RCM forum. We are always glad to help, but who would you go to for help with a PC. Not a mechanic, or a carpenter. You go to the pros that do that kind of work.

Where were you guys when I needed help with my papers 20-something years ago?

You are very lucky to have a great community in helping you improve your paper. If I had this much help back then, I could have finished my engineering degree in 4 years instead of almost 6 (too much partying). Heck, I had to type my papers using a typewriter because I didn't have a computer.

I agree with everyone with regards to being direct to the point. As an engineer, the shortest distance between two points is always a straight line no matter what. Try to use this concept in everything that you do. Short, concise, and direct to the point gets you the dough.

Good luck.

id go here. im sure we have some pros for PCs:lol::yes:

anyways my mom has been a teacher for 25+ years so ill go to her.

i hate going to her till im ready to submit because she finds SOO many mistakes that it makes me want to just rewrite it.

but if im pretty much there i will take it to her.

so i deleted the procrastinating part that harold mentioned.

not sure what else to do

damn jerry didnt realize that was a rewrite just thought it was a copy and paste of mine for some reason

just finished reading it and and its heck of alot better. much more professional.

thanks alot man i really do appreciate it.

so it seems all i need is a closing statement..?

All i did.
 

All I did was copy and paste your writeup into a Word Doc, and then reoganize your work a little bit. I removed and/or changed a few words around just to clean it up some and bring it into a more adult view. Then I broke it up into a few paragraphs to make it read like a book. Lastly I copied and pasted the word doc into that last post.

99% of it is your wording. My best advice to you is that you need to spend more time reading so your eyes and brain get more familiar with how things are supposed to look. The younger generation has spent way too much time playing video games and texting in short hand on their cell phones instead of learning how to read & wirte properly. Believe me I am no pro either, but we all have to do our part to learn the English language if we expect incoming aliens to do it. Our writing skills are becoming much too watered down with all of the crap that is being allowed in our high schools. You asked for advice so there you have it. When allot of us were kids trying to get into college you would have never gotten in without having writing skills. I tell my kids now that it should be our goal every day when we wake up to work on becoming better people while we are on this Earth. I am sure that you have heard the saying that "Knowledge is Power". It all starts with properly understanding the English language. The more knowledge you have the more powerful you will become.

+1, read a few good books. Not shakespeare, but some Hemingway and the other greats of the past century. You could also thumb thru a thesaurus, that helps get some fresh words into your mind.

both of you are right in that I need to start reading books. I think the only decent sized book that ive ever read on my own is eragon and that took me like 6 months..

Much Better, but still not ready
 

True. Don't sell yourself short in any of this. Sounds bad and wastes space on your paper anyway.

I made some quick edits, but its no where definative. Basically still some fat to cut and polishing is needed. See attached doc file.



I thought it was improper to cite yourself as a source material?

Interesting idea. I had been taught by by my dear old father and namesake to wear kilts. While warm and forgiving, they can lead to moments of impropreity. Last year my dad and I attended an airshow, vintage aircraft being a lifelong passion of his. Needless to say, stumbling upon the beautifully restored P-51D "Old Crow" parked in the field led to quite an embarrassing situation. Fortunately, the cries of the children were mostly drowned out by the screams of the women. Hehe, my old Pop, still got it after all these years.


http://www.heavyevents.com/pictures/caber.jpg

made all the changes you suggested except for taking out those 2 complete paragraphs and making your statement into my own

i need to go to school and later will come home to re-look over it all

thanks alot!

Harsh
 

Our directiom may seem just a little bit harsh, but we have been around allot longer so we tend to be a bit more direct in our instructions. We are trying our best to help you see things from a more refined perspective. So don't get discuraged or frustrated with us older folks. With so much help in here your making progress towards better writing. It is good that you are seeing the light so to speak, but don't procrastinate any longer about reading some good books. Yes it can be difficult to make time for reading, but you really do need to make that time and do some quality reading that may help in opening your eyes and mind. It will help you greatly in being more prepared for doing this sort of thing in the future. Trust us it is one of the most important skills you will need to become successful in the field you wish to persue. Keep hammering away on this and you will reap the benefits down the road.

Some of also just had a few mins of screwing around time before we had to run to a meeting, and spent much of that searching for not too inappropriate pix. lol

Seriously tho, take the criticisms/suggestions however you wish. Feel free to accept or reject some or all of them. At the end of the day its got to reflect your personality and style. There is no one right way to do any of this.

I do agree completely with developing strong writing skills. Really its important for any professional job, and often is the first and sometimes only chance to introduce yourself. Beyond resumes, you will likely be drafting proposals, procedures and reports, and definitely corresponding by email on a daily basis. Strong writing skills are essential to establishing a solid professional reputation.

Also, working people are very busy and tend not to have patience for a lot of nonsense that distracts them from their work. Case in point: its absolutely true that you get about just 30 secs to have your resume read, esp if there are a lot of people appling for the same job, and its not for the VP or some high level job. If we are interviewing for some entry level tech job and I get a stack of resumes to flip thru, its got to be pretty special not to get binned if its messy, too long, un-organized or otherwise painful to read.

Really the only way to get good at writing is putting a lot of effort into developing the skill. Reading books, taking classes, writing lots of papers and have them criticized. It sucks, they are not fun classes to take, but you have to do them. Also, the longer you put if off, the harder it is to get proficient. Take the lumps and build the skills now and you will reap the rewards of it later.

g/l and respect for putting yourself out there.

I would not have posted the essay up if i didn't want to get critiqued on it, and since i know i am not the most proficient writer i expected to get some heavy criticism.

I would like to get this mini scholarship and if i have to spend 4-5 hours editing this paper im all down for it.

thanks again.

Correct
 

Finnster is correct. It made me think about looking through resume's and when there is a pile of them to go through the first thing that gets kicked out are the ones that have bad grammer or poor spelling, and as stated are just too painful to read. So you have to put in the time and effort not only to learn how to write properly, but also to take the time to review your own work, unless you are lucky enough to have an admin assistant or some one who can do it for you.

alright guys so how am I going to end this thing?

sending it out tomorrow and it doesn't quite seem finished without an ending punch line or something to tie it all together.

Ryan Dodd
1-24-10
My Ambitions To Be An Engineer


If you would have asked me what profession I wanted to be in when I grew up I would said that I wanted to be an engineer. Since I was 7 years old, I’ve had a particular interest in computers and electronic devices. Once we acquired our first home computer anytime something broke with it, I was the go-to-guy to get it back up and running again. Wondering how the computer transferred our commands into actions sparked my interest in the computer software field. As I grew up I realized that to pursue my passion as an engineer I would need to develop a set of skills that would help me reach my future goals.

Anyone can go through college and earn a degree, but once you are in the field and start working on projects there are some skills that not even a teacher can help you develop or give to you. An Engineer must be persistent, curious, patient, ambitious, and hard working, in order to be successful. Above all, the most important aspect in becoming an engineer is to be a good problem solver, and have the will and desire to resolve any obstacles that may come your way.

I feel that I possess these skills that are needed to become a successful software engineer, because when a problem is presented to me even if I do not know exactly how to fix it I will find a solution whether it is in a book, or through internet research. Becoming an engineer to me is more than just a job, it is what I have dreamed of doing since I was a young child, and it would be a huge accomplishment in my life goals. I will have a Great job that is consistently changing and challenging me to try new things and develop futuristic software.

I plan to study software engineering, with a focus towards aerospace engineering. Particularly, I am interested in programming missile and missile defense systems as applied towards national defense or the space industry. I intend on pursuing a master’s degree with the eventual goal of becoming a project manager. I wish to have creative freedom to apply my skills, as well as mentor junior engineers to help build them up within the various programs.

I have very high standards for myself as I know that I have the skills and the will to get there. My persistence helps me to get the job done just as it did when I first began working on computers. I had no real knowledge of how computers worked, but I wanted to get the problem solved and worked through it until the computer was back in running order. My current goal for self improvement is that I can take longer than I want to finish projects because I can spend considerable amounts of time working out all the details. I am trying to better focus to keep my eye on the essential details to produce a product that meets my own and a potential employer’s high standards while making efficient use of my time.


this is it.. I implied almost all changes you mentioned just did not cut out full paragraphs and when i tried to write some of it in my own words it just didnt sound anywhere near as good as it is now.

Checking your words.
 

If you would have asked me what profession I wanted to be in when I was growing up I would have said that I wanted to be an engineer. Since I was 7 years old, I’ve had a particular interest in computers and electronic devices. Once we acquired our first home computer anytime something went wrong with it, I was the go-to-guy to get it back up and running again. Wondering how the computer transferred our commands into actions sparked my interest in the computer software field. I realized that to pursue my passion as an engineer I would need to develop a set of skills that would help me reach my future goals.

Anyone can go through college and earn a degree, but once you are in the field and start working on projects there are some skills that not even a teacher can help you develop or give to you. An Engineer must be persistent, curious, patient, ambitious, and hard working, in order to be successful. Above all, the most important aspect in becoming an engineer is to be a good problem solver, and have the will and desire to resolve any obstacles that may come your way.

I feel that I possess these skills that are needed to become a successful software engineer, because when a problem is presented to me even if I do not know exactly how to fix it I will find a solution whether it is in a book, or through internet research. Becoming an engineer to me is more than just a job, it is what I have dreamed of doing since I was a young child, and it would be a huge accomplishment in my life goals. I will have a Great job that is consistently changing and challenging me to try new things and develop futuristic software.

I plan to study software engineering, with a focus towards aerospace engineering. Particularly, I am interested in programming missile and missile defense systems as applied towards national defense or the space industry. I intend on pursuing a master’s degree with the eventual goal of becoming a project manager. I wish to have creative freedom to apply my skills, as well as mentor junior engineers to help build them up within the various programs.

I have very high standards for myself as I know that I have the skills and the will to get there. My persistence helps me to get the job done just as it did when I first began working on computers. I had no real knowledge of how computers worked, but I wanted to get the problem solved and worked through it until the computer was back in running order. My current goal for self improvement is that I can take longer than I want to finish projects because I can spend considerable amounts of time working out all the details. I am trying to acquire better focus techniques in order to keep my eye on the essential details to produce a product that meets my own and a potential employer’s high standards while making efficient use of my time.


I would say that you have to finish it on your own from here. You are still not checking your own spelling or grammer. I changed it just a little bit more to make it read smoother, but there still may be a spelling issue or two that need fixing. It is still allot better than it was the first post you placed up here. Good luck with that.