| Metallover |
09.16.2009 08:07 PM |
This is great. Since this will expire, I shall move this text onto this thread so it can be enjoyed for years to come. Thanks riverat1540!
Quote:
So my wife wants a new couch. She wants me to sell this one. Check out that picture! I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Why would she possibly want to sell such a beautiful loveseat!? Surely her poor taste in loveseats is on par with that of Adolf Hitler and Martha Stewart!" Well, I'll tell you why she wants to sell it. It has flower patterns. While one may think that women love flower patterns, since they love flowers, this woman does not. She wants to trade it in for a newer, better model. One with "Micro-fiber", whatever the heck that means.
So I said "But Honey, how would you feel if I said I wanted to trade YOU in for a newer, better model?"
Since I spent the following week sleeping on this particular "love"seat and nursing a black eye, I can certainly attest to its comfort: It doesn't have much. Oh, it's ok for sitting on while you watch Sex and the City reruns while simultaneously crying and eating gallons of ice cream. But for sleeping, it's no good. I'm only 5'5" and it was too short even for me! You can certainly lay on it with your legs propped up on the arm rest and watch Terminator 2 while you eat bugles and fart. I couldn't possibly tell you how many of my own farts, tears, bugle dust, and witty one-liners this couch has absorbed!
I don't think it has any stains. Of course I probably wouldn't notice if it did. I could probably light it on fire, douse the fire with a bowl of urine, dry it with greasy rags, and still be fine with napping on it in my underpants.
Let me tell you the story of this couch. This story will make you laugh, cry, and shiver in fear. It's an epic tale, one for the history books.
One day I was walking out of my apartment complex. My neighbor stopped me and asked me if I wanted a free couch. I said "Sure!" and he helped me carry it in.
Well maybe that story wasn't "Epic", but who cares. This is Craigslist. Why would you be looking for epic stories in an ad for a couch? Get real.
Anyways, come buy this couch. "But wait!", you say. "What could I possibly give you that would be a fair trade for such a magnificent couch!?" Frankly, you don't have anything that could match this. So I'll settle:
I want a 12-pack of beer. I'm normally a Coors Light man, but am willing to expand my horizons. No budweiser! That stuff tastes like boiled donkey urine that's been sitting in the sun for a week. And no miller, that's just boring. Other than that, surprise me.
That way, someday in the future, when I'm sitting on a new micro-fiber couch watching Arnold deliver such lines as "You're fired!" and "Stick around!" I can drown out the memories of how much I paid for this so-called "Micro-Fiber" with a drunken haze. I bet she won't let me eat bugles on it. But even she can't stop the farts or the one-liners. I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.
Edit: Price has been lowered to a 6-pack. I'm a lightweight, so a 6-pack should get me sufficiently drunk to watch Commando and giggle hysterically. "Let off some steam, Bennett!"
http://images.craigslist.org/3n63pb3...06831514e4.jpg
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