A Taser for the wife

What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone
with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?


There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.


I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.



But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertiseed. Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.


The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.



All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond any description, but I'll do my best....?


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.


I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and . .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!



I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.



I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?



The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.




Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A
minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.



My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.



My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.



Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.



I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!


P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid

[MetalMan]

Man, that's just too great! Well, quite unfortunately not for your sake, but for ours . Thanks for the in-depth and personal review!

[BrianG]

I hate to say it, but that was a really dumb thing to do! As I read the first section, I knew what coming, but still couldn't believe you were dumb enough to actually do it! Sorry.

Yeah, 3xAA batts is only 4.5v, but there are voltage multipliers and/or inductors in there that can boost the voltage to well into the thousands. Current is kept to a minimum - just enough to hurt a lot and other nastiness, but generally not enough to kill. Trivia: did you know it only takes 0.15A to kill?

Anyway, I now know what your avatar truly means. If I had the power, I would change your name to "sparky" temporarily.

[Brow]

Now that I have stopped laughing out loud, I can tell you that you are a silly bugger and should have had a better educated guess that it was going to go bad for you. after all, that is the intended purpose of the device. I would have let it go at the 'disabling the microwave' test or tried the neighbours dog or cat!!!

I do hope you have no long term ill effects from this so we can laugh at your next funny little adventure.

Brow

[JERRY2KONE]

Oh my God that is hilarious. What a great way to test out a weapon. It is funny how some people are so not afraid of anything and will do just about anything once, and then there are some that think cautiously about the outcome that they would have tested it out on a friend or even a passer by. You are the man. Or at least you were, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

[crazyjr]

I saw that same story posted on RC Tech, I couldn't stop laughing

Originally Posted by crazyjr

I saw that same story posted on RC Tech, I couldn't stop laughing

it has gone around in e mails before, I got it of of Wattflyer...I was just screwing around... and you know thats how the military tests new things...on each other so they know it works...sounds like something off of Jackass...lol

[Unsullied_Spy]

Those things are awesome! I naively (I think I invented another word...) volunteered to be hit by a short burst from a 40,000 volt tazer once, never again! Luckily they made me sit down before testing it, but that thing hurt like a !@#$%. They really are a great device though, more effective than a firearm at stopping most people and only kill if the person is severely over-weight or really old. The company that makes them sells ones with prongs that shoot out a few feet. Their brochure states that you are supposed to shoot the person with it, which will temporarily incapacitate them, then run like hell. Report it to the police and mail them a copy of the police report and they'll send you a new one for free!

I got that E-Mail a few months ago, but it's still hilarious (more so because I know what one feels like).

[_paralyzed_]

LMAO! You had me, I thought it was real, thanks for that! The people here are just awesome.

[JERRY2KONE]

AND SCARY TO DON'T YOU THINK????

Originally Posted by _paralyzed_

LMAO! You had me, I thought it was real, thanks for that! The people here are just awesome.

[hoovhartid]

That was funny as hell.

knowing me....I would have gone back and zapped the cat.

[TexasSP]

What's really interesting is that for cops to carry a taser or pepper spray it has to be used on them first for legal reasons. At least they don't have to be shot to carry the gun. My brother is an investigator and had to do both in classes he took for them. He still says the pepper spray was the worst.

Me, I would have zapped the cat! A dog no, dogs are sweet, cat's are evil little creatures with horrible dispositions....

[BL_RV0]

Holy crap dude... That's hilarious. Let us know when your testicles make a reappearance, I'm sure your wife is missing them...

[coolhandcountry]

That was funny.

[magman]

Lmao