Lets see some jokes

[reno911]

What is the difference between Nitro and a bucket of poop



The bucket!

[reno911]

A recent one Via the old e-mail train...

A teacher assigned her students, of a marketing class, a task of selling one thing over the weekend to demonstrated various sales techniques.

Monday morning comes and the students have to report.

First was Karla, she helped her little sister sell some Girl Scout cookies. She said, "I targeted my technique at the masses, we set up our display near the Walmart entrance and made 200.00 in the first day.

Second was Margerette, she went door to door selling magazines. She stated, " Well I described magazines to the customer based on their appearance, gender, and race. I made 500 dollars selling magazine and I only worked for an hour, this profiling technique is pretty good for sales.

Third was Charlie, he walked up to the class and opened up his bag. Out fell 5734.15 dollars in various forms of cash. Most of the class dropped their jaws and the teacher made a funny face towards Charlie as if he just committed a crime, " Charlie what the hell did you sell?"

"Toothbrushes." He calmly said back to her.

"I went downtown and set up stand on the busiest corner. I had a free chip and dip trial for anyone who walked by. The chips were ok but the guacamole was mixed up dogshit. After they realized it I offered toothbrushes at the cost of their wallets contents. I used the governments technique of selling you something shitty that they say tastes good, and then making you pay out the ass to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

[bryan]

Originally Posted by reno911

A recent one Via the old e-mail train...

A teacher assigned her students, of a marketing class, a task of selling one thing over the weekend to demonstrated various sales techniques.

Monday morning comes and the students have to report.



Third was Charlie, he walked up to the class and opened up his bag. Out fell 5734.15 dollars in various forms of cash. Most of the class dropped their jaws and the teacher made a funny face towards Charlie as if he just committed a crime, " Charlie what the hell did you sell?"

"Toothbrushes." He calmly said back to her.

"I went downtown and set up stand on the busiest corner. I had a free chip and dip trial for anyone who walked by. The chips were ok but the guacamole was mixed up dogshit. After they realized it I offered toothbrushes at the cost of their wallets contents. I used the governments technique of selling you something shitty that they say tastes good, and then making you pay out the ass to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

In gov't terms that means QUALITY CONTROL.

[reno911]

Pretty good one to play on the wife for you married ones:

A man walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water, and heads to his wife's side of the bed.

"What the hell are those for?"

"They are for your headache..."

"What are you talking about, I don't have a headache!"

"Gotcha!!!"

[Bondonutz]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+ Tourist: $5.00

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00



The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

[Bondonutz]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .



On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.


The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.


As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,


after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.


The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments..


Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.


Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.


Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.





Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.


As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and


walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.


The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.


The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.


Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.


He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.


The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs


and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.





Probably wasn't the same elephant..




This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[suicideneil]

Best. Joke. Ever.

That is soooo going up on facebook...

[Bondonutz]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened
to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers
which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at
the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had
lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he
would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he
stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[reno911]

Another good old wifes cheating on you joke.

Sunday morning came around and the husband wanted to get up before his wife would drag him to church to go fishing.

It had been pissing rain all night and he figured with the noise from the rain she would never here him getting the boat ready. So he proceeded to slip out of bed get dressed as quietly as possible and sneak out to the garage. He hooked up the boat with the car half in the garage trying not to get completely soaked.

He began to drive away when he realized it truly was a bad day to go just about anywhere, that and his visibility was horrible. He parked the boat on the side of the road and ran back inside the house.

He quietly changes in the other room into some warm, dry clothes and walks as quietly back to the bedroom, hoping she wouldn't even have noticed him leaving.

As he snuggles to the back of his wife in bed he realizes that she had woken, "Can you believe my dumbass husband is out fishing in this shitty weather!"

Women are the product of time and money: women = timeXmoney
Time is money: time = money
So women are money squared: women = money²
Money is the root of all evil: money = √evil
So women are evil: women = (√evil)² = evil

love a bit of math humor ;)

In a cave, I found pictures of women's breasts, but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap....

[bumsnogger]

I see a lot of "come on england" flags now the world cups on.But I got kicked out of hereford cathedral for having a w4nk over the magna carta. Historical joke

[suicideneil]

Niiiice. Wanna hear good joke? England's football team.

[simplechamp]

One day God was looking down at the Earth, and was very upset at the current situation, with so much evil and sin in the world. He summoned one of his angels and said, "Go down to the Earth and tell me how many people are good, and how many are bad."

The angel went down, returned a short time later and said, "I have done what you have asked Father, and I discovered that 95% of people are bad, and only 5% are truly good people."

Very disappointed with the news God decided to send an email to all the good people with an extremely important message about his plans for the future.

And do you know what that email said????


















Really? No one knows? That sucks, I didn't get the email either...

[pinkpanda3310]

A precious little girl walks into a Pet-Smart store and asks,

in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack rabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?'


She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a tiny quiet voice





'I don't think my python weally gives a thit'

[pinkpanda3310]

Gates vs. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics...." (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash....... Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

Please feel free to share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!