Lets see some jokes

[Gdot]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[redshift]

Mitch Hedberg R.I.P.

I got an ant farm... them fellas didn't grow sh*t!

I had a Mr. Pibb, Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper... but it's the bullsh*t replica, cause dude didn't even get his degree.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load sh*t into a truck.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah."

I had a paper route when I was a kid, I was a paper boy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or 2 dumpsters!

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. It's like, "dude, you have to wait."

I saw a commercial that said, "forget everything you know about slip covers!" So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slip covers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.

I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said f*ck that, I'll just get a tan instead.

I bought a house, it's a 2-bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you? F*ck you real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house.

I like the FedEx driver, because he's a drug dealer, and he don't even know it.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

The thing that's depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Because inside is a note that says "say thanks."

I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs... sorry for the convenience."

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light... and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

I did a radio interview with XM radio... they said "you can swear on XM radio." No sh*t, cause nobody can hear it. You can swear in the woods, too!

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes... all exciting at first, but then by the end you're f*ckin' sick of em.

I went to the Home Depot the other day, which was unnecessary... I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying "hey, we ain't gotta fix sh*t!"

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My apartment is infested with koala bears... it's the cutest infestation ever! Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to, you know?

I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said "please try again", because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up... please try again." A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top!

My sister wanted to be an actress... she never made it, but she does live in a trailer. She got half-way. It's like she's an actress, she's just never called to the set.

Foosball f*cked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball, and then spin around and round. I can't do a backflip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me.

I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on 'em. Hell yeah! Reminds me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque, and throw down on some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on... "you better flip that Frito dad, you know how I like it."

I wake up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, then I don't do sh*t for an hour. Which makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument. Cause then I tried to walk out, and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?

I did comedy for a fundraiser once, we were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods... cause when you're in the woods tripping, there's less likely a chance you'll run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dwayne was standing there raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder, he said "Mitchell... Smokey is way more intense in person!"

I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they thought we were okay. A lot of death metal bands have intense names, like "Rigormortis" or "Mortuary" or "Obituary". We weren't that intense, we just went with "Injured". Later on we changed it to "A Capella"... as we were walking out of the pawn shop.

I was in downtown Boise Idaho and I saw a duck. And I knew the duck was lost, cause ducks ain't supposed to be downtown, there's nothing for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said "let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said alright, well put some lettuce on it. They said, "that'll be $1.75." I said "it's for a duck." They said "alright, well then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway!! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the steak fajita sub. But don't bother ringing it up... it's for a duck! There are 6 ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!!"

My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.

I'm so glad I'm almost done the set, man... because I have a roll of Lifesavers in my pocket, and pineapple is next!

My manager was concerned, he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch... because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.

I used to live here in Los Angeles... and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing..."

I used to have really long hair, and people thought I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long-haired guy, they'd say "that f*cker eats cake! He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was approaching?"

I rent a lot of cars, cause I go on the road. And when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with it, right? So a lot of times I'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake.

[Chadworkz]

Mitch Hedberg was the funniest dude ever!

[suicideneil]

[Bondonutz]

Subject: EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
>
> And a few more to get your morning laughing....
>
>
> 1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
>
> My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
> I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and
> began to take off her underwear.
> Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the
> wrong one.
>
> Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
> San Francisco
>
>
> 2... At the beginning of my shift
>
> I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
> and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
>
> 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
> 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
>
> Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
> Seattle , WA
>
>
> 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
>
> news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial
> infarct.
>
> Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
> family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
>
> Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
>
>
> 4. During a patient's two week follow-up
>
> appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was
> having trouble with one of his medications..
>
> ' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...
> The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
> out of places to put it !'
> I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
>
> Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
>
> Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new
> one.
>
>
> Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
> Norfolk, VA
>
>
> 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
>
> I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
> After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
> ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
>
> Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
> Corvallis, OR
>
>
> 6. I was performing rounds at the
>
> hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So
> how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky
> Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied.
> I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY
> Jelly.'
>
>
> Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
> Detroit,
>
>
> 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
>
> when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk,
> sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . .
> It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she
> was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on
> the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
> green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'
>
> Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
> patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
>
> Submitted by RN no name,
>
>
> AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . .. .. . . .
>
>
> 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
>
> I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my
> embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
>
> The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out
> laughing and further embarrassing me.
>
> I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
> 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
> She replied with tears running down
> her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..
>
> 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .
> 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .'
>
>
> Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
>
> 1 MORE
>
> Baby's First Doctor Visit
>
> This made me laugh out loud.
> I hope it will give you a smile!
>
>
> A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
> doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
>
> The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
> little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
>
> 'Breast-fed,' she replied..
> 'Well, strip down to your waist, 'the doctor ordered.
> She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
> for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
>
> Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
> underweight.
> You don't have any milk.'
>
> ' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
> But, I'm glad I came.'
>

[georgec]

[pinkpanda3310]

The Harley-Davidson Facts?



The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise?and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes .'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much




4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!




'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[georgec]

[pinkpanda3310]

Old Timer Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.


Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[georgec]

OMG that's funny!!

[pinkpanda3310]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.



She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need
to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line.
It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

[bumsnogger]

2 guys in a bar.One says to the other "Why are you pouring beer in your hand?" The other guy says" I'm getting my date drunk" :)

[pinkpanda3310]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'












The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'










So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.










The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'


The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.


The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,




'Hey you!'






So the koala looked down at him and said,



'Holy Shiiiiiiit dude...

How much water did you drink??’

[josh9mille]

Q: How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen snort?


























A: Enough to kill Two And a Half Men.

[pinkpanda3310]

SIPPING VODKA

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.







The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."







So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.







Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:








1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.



2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.



3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.



4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.



5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.



6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..



7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.



8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..



9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.



10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'



11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."



12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.



13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.



14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.