Caleb's leaving....

[jayjay283]

Jerry, good advise man. Thank you. Im going to go about this differently now. Hes about to restart highschool and im going to let everything go, a clean slate if you will, and try to make it positive. Im going to have a man to man with him about getting ahead using his own 2 hands. Sorry for sidetracking your thread Harold. Maybe im having a midlife crisis at 38 ? I think im going to print out what Jerry said and let the kid read it.

[JERRY2KONE]

Time can be ones enamy and also your best friend. If our kids don't open their eyes while there is still time to make positive changes to their own way of thinking, then it will be a very rough road for you and for them. I watch all of these screwed up kids on Dr. Phil and Oprah, with the parents blaming their kids. It is the parents fault if they do not make the time and give the best effort possible to help them see what is out there for them. Yes there are some kids who just want to fight all the way into adulthood, but they are the ones who have to suffer for the lack of effort on their own part. As long as we try and do everything in our power to help them, well then we can sleep peacefully at night knowing that we did our best.

I am lucky because I now have a job that allows me to work out of our home. This gives me the time to be here for our kids every single day 24/7. I tell them every day that if they have any questions, that I am here to share whatever knowledge and/or experience I can with them. Our 13 year old was working with me yesterday. He wanted a second desk in his room so I cut out the wood and told him how to finish up the project. He began to ask me how I knew so many things, and how to do all of the stuff that I can do. It was an enlightening moment for both of us. I have been quietly working alone doing whatever needed to be done, and I told each of them that if they wanted to help out around the house that it was up to them. I don't force them to do anything outside of their own responsibilities. We do expect each ot them to follow the daily routine that we set for them. At first they were like man why do we have to wash my own dishes, and clean my rooms.

Every single morning (10, 12, & 13) they get up, make their beds, take a shower, get dressed, clean their rooms, make breakfast, and clean up after themselves before they can go out and do anything else. Each of them now has a chore to accomplish each week to earn an allowance, and I do not except partial work either. If they do not do everything they are expected to do, no payment that week. It really hurt to say no a few times, but it pays off in the long run. I explained it this way. If you hired someone in your own home to do something and they only did half of the work or a half azz job, would you want to pay them? I use simple comparible analligies to raise thier own thinking. Besides their chores they each have one day every week to do their own laundry and put their clothes away. It has been a year but they now do this without any fighting or whining. They now see that if they are more cooperative, that we are more cooperative and giving to them. Checks and balances. One way communications are great once you have established the rules and guidlines, but you have to explain everything in detail for them in order for them to know exactly what is expected of them.

I also have one other ace in the hole. I was a bootcamp drill instructor for nearly 6 years (1990-1996)during my 20 years in the US Navy. I learned how to change young men and women who were so called set in their ways and unrecoverable. Believe me everyone wants to be a better person, but some just don't believe that they can do any better, or that they do not deserve any support. You have to take charge and whip them into shape. (without the whipping though). Never directly insult them by calling them names. You have to use positive psycology if you want the right results. Get them to work with you not for or against you. You have to convince them that your way is the better way, and that they will reap the rewards for cooperation in the long run. Trust me these are the kinds of efforts that work time and time again. I trained over 1000 recruits during my time, and I was rewarded over and over again watching them succeed in acquiring their goals. I hope this helps you see that there is always hope. And thank you Harold for opening the door on this conversation. Whatever has been done in order to get your son to this point you have helped him see that it is worth it by your emotions about his behavior. Love does not always have to be a factor, but it helps.

[jayjay283]

I had the 1 on 1 man talk with the boy. I used the acheivements with your own 2 hands and he got it. I haven't seen him smile like that in awhile. I was getting worried he'd pull a Columbine. Magman and Jerry your words and advise. I don't know how to say it, thank you, you will never know what it meant and how much it helped. I can't express it. Thanks for being there

[_paralyzed_]

Originally Posted by jayjay283

Sorry for sidetracking your thread Harold. .

not a problem. I'm enjoying this thread. Discussions like this don't happen at trx forums, that's why I'm here.

[jayjay283]

my sister has a PHD in psychology and I get the best advise from you retards. $500 an hour I owe you all

[JERRY2KONE]

Originally Posted by jayjay283

my sister has a PHD in psychology and I get the best advise from you retards. $500 an hour I owe you all

Thats Mr. Retard to you, and keep your money. No really I do love being able to help others in distress When I may have something to offer. I am always happy to help, and I hope that your situation works out for the best. Working with any kid can be difficult, but all they need is someone to care enough to teach them something that will help make their life better in some small way. Reall Jayjay good luck with that. Harold we are still with you man. Find the good in every day and look forward to the next hookup with your son. Don't let any negative thoughts keep you imprissoned. Life is just too dammed short for that crap.

[jayjay283]

this is what I left him in his book, he writes songs and they are pretty depressing. I took from you Jerry and wrote this to him, Its days old and Im not trying to write a song or anything id spend more time and put it in iambic pentamiter (sp?) It really caught his attention so I thought I'd dump it on Mikes hard drive incase it helps anyone else

If you steal from me you used your own 2 hands
If you don't get into college its because you chose not to study with your own 2 hands
If you don't have a car its because you chose not to work more, enough or save with your own 2 hands
Life is about what you can achieve with your own 2 hands. Look at your hands and think about what you can accomplish.


It kind of relates to how he blamed his issues on everyone but himself. Then I was thinking what about a war vet who lost a hand. I had a line about building a sand castle as a kid and the feeling, but hes never been to the beach. Anyway thought id drop it incase

[Gee]

How you holding up Harold? I hope you realize Caleb has been telling everyone what a great time he had and how smart and cool his dad is. According to your description I doubt he is bragging about letting you win. So that's good news right?


Jerry that's good advice from our resident Dr. Jerry. There something about expereice that carries more weight then when it quoted from a book. I agreed and it is real simalar to what I believe. The only thing is I didn't feel bad about not forking over the allowance on a poor no pay. The chores were inspected if you will, and they either got a pass with pay or a poor no pay rating.

FYI: There are over 30 STD that can be contracted today by our little ones. Some incurable, some fatal. How many were there when you were trying to convice you first gf you loved her?

Jayjay it's cool that you care enough about these kids to make a difference. Beleive me you are going to make a difference and at times it will not seem like it. Kids can be cunning and devioius, and if they know which buttons to push... well lets just hope they all don't push them at the same time. lol Being consistent will make a differnce for them and you. Like jerrys morning drill is consistent but also consistent with each of them individually. It will be easier to build trust. If you say your door is always open for them to talk about anything. Well make sure you mean it before you say it and that it is always open. Even during the Superbowl if that when they come calling. It doesn't take but the first minute to find out if timmy is in the well or they need new shoes. Punishments should be consistent also the rewards for positive behaviour. Sound like training a dog don't it. If they make a mess don't rub thier nose in it. You might get a visit from the CPS. Unlike dogs you do not have to catch them in the act for them to know why they are being given punishment.
You know there would be people that in your situatioin that would only be thinking they just need to get through the next couple of years. Maybe feeling some self pity and slurring out the question "Why did this happen to me, I had plans. I could of been a contender.", etc. I get the impression you've made the committment to be there until it's time for you to get off this rock. If you haven't told them they are stuck with you from here on out. Sit em down and let them know your going to be expecting nicer gifts on fathers as the years on the job start accumulating. Also, you will still hold them accountable for the actions even when they are in their 30's. You are there for them now and will be there for them in the future. It's better to get that out of the way. Just incase they are thinking that all they need to do is get through the next couple of years. Nope, they are not getting off that easier. We don't need anymore young adults on welfare. So we tax payers are counting on you jayjay to stick with this. You can't make a difference in thier lives if you jerk the steering wheel and I can't afford anymore taxes. Joking aside. You can stand tall and be proud of what you are doing. There's some hard work ahead but it will be worth it. You know, there are people out there that think they are a "man", but a swinging dick don't make you a man. IMHO What you are doing makes a man. You have my respect.

[JERRY2KONE]

GEE you are the man. Experience is the best teacher for sure. One of the frist things we did last year was to tell our kids that they were not moving to Korea just because they had to, but because we loved them and this is their life now. No running home to grandma's house or aunte whatever. This is our family now and we have to work together to make it the best that it can be for all of us. Sure it was hard for them to swallow, but it finally has sunk in. It is amazing to think of how they were a year ago, and how they behave now after a year of us coaching them along. I just had the discussion with them yesterday about how our relationship is one of mutual trust, and respect. We will trust and respect them until they give us a reason not to. THey have to turst and respect us to do right by them. So they are starting with a clean slate, and where it goes from here is up to them. Our entire extended family is amazed with how much they have improved in just 12 months.

You know your kid is a great young man Harold. Like Gee stated be proud of that fact, and like a new plant you just have to give him love and encouragement to continue to grow in the right direction. Isn't parenthood great? Once you get how it works it is the coolest thing we get to do as adults.

[jayjay283]

Man Harold, im sorry for jacking up your thread. I saw the pic of you and you kid all smiles and so happy and it really made me do some soul searching and take some time for introspection. Gee, I was a crap parent, I get it. He has no other father and if I fail him its going to be on all Americans to deal with it. All of your words have made such a difference in a couple peoples lives. He is walking around joking and enjoying life, looking forward to school tomorrow. You don't know how much joy that gives me and you all set me in the right direction. ...A lady came over last night and wanted me to sign a card for the neighbor. His 15 year old daughter hung herself with a belt in the closet, I saw her 2 days ago playing volleyball in the front yard. Today some kid showed up at school and had 10 pipe bombs a shotgun and a chainsaw in Cali. Just stuff like that made me afraid to try and succeed with him because if I failed what are the consequences. Should you change the title of this thread to Jays depressing baby whining ? Just want you to know alls good and its because of you.

[JERRY2KONE]

Change is good. Change is something that for some reason we are all afraid of, but it is inevitable. Your not a bad parent Jay. We all make mistaktes. At least your trying to make a difference now. If your kid goes off in a direction that is not normal or in his best interest it is not because you failed. Making the effort is your success. He still has that free will thing to choose his own path.

I trained over 1000 recruits and our goal was to try and change them all, but if only one flies right, I got through to someone. We cannot win with all of them. A kid who does something like that(hanging) is missing something in thier lives, and they just do not know how to ask for it, or get it for themselves. That is what we are here for. TO ask them and guide them to whatever it is they seek. That is all we can do. Your on the right path now. Keep it up. Keep your sense of humor to. They need that as much as you do.

Disfunction is the norm these days, and everyone has it in their family even if they refuse to acknowledge it to some degree. Education is the fruit of life. Have you ever heard the saying that knowledge is power. The more you learn the more power you have over your own life and that of the ones you love. Who doesn't want more power over their own lives? Education never stops. I am now 50 and still learning stuff every single day, from guys in here, my kids, and yes even watching TV some days. The Dr. Phil Show can be a bit mellow dramatic, but his approach to most of the problems on his show are lessons that we can all take stock from. Dr. Oz is also a great source of medical info that can help us clean up our lives and that of our kids. He is a genious in medicine and the human body. I get my kids to listen to their shows and now they are so curious about learning more. We all watch the NatGeo, and Discovery channels daily trying to learn more about whatever we can. It is becomming an addiction with them now, and who wouldn't want that kind of addiction for their kids.

I also talk about how stupid drugs, booze, and even huffing are and the negative effects they have on ones life. My point to them is always about how difficult life is just trying to get through the day to day stuff without interferences, and why anyone would want to make it even harder by inputting that crap into their bodies and minds is beyond me. They get it now. I pray that they can be strong enough to steer clear of that life, but it is truly up to them once we educate them on their options. That is the mission that God has put on us, is to educate our kids to the degree of making them able to handle whatever comes their way.