Lets see some jokes

[pinkpanda3310]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown
Emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,
'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'


'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[pinkpanda3310]

On the first day,

God created the dog and said:


'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.



On the second day,

God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.



Very funny picture cow wants a kiss face close-up
On the third day,

God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'


The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.



On the fourth day,

God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God,

'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves ... For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family ... For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren ... And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

[suicideneil]

^+1!

[Chadworkz]

[1] How far can a dog run into the woods? Only half way, then he's running out.

[2] How does a whale have oral sex? He bites the cap off of a submarine and sucks the seamen out.

[3] What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls? Sparky!

[4] What do you call a dog with no legs at all? It doesn't matter, he can't come to you anyway!

[5] Where do you find a dog with no legs at all? Right where you left him!

[6] What do you call a woman with only one leg? Ilene

[7] What do you call a Chinese woman with only one leg? Irene

[8] What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!

[9] What does a fish say when it swims into a concrete wall? Dam!

[reno911]

Good bar joke/trick!

After a few rounds, you being a bit more sober than you pal. Bet your pal that you can drink 5 beers before he can drink one shot. Loser pays for the round.

So order five beers and a shot of what he prefers.

Then tell him these two rules.

One: You get a one beer head start, he can not start drinking until you set down your first glass.

Two: No one but you can touch any of your beers, nor can anyone but him touch his shot.

Once he agrees, drink your first beer and turn it over upside down on the top of his shot glass.

Then enjoy the remaining four beers as your buddy sits with the tab.

[Chadworkz]

I've actually seen that joke done on a TV show!

[bumsnogger]

Two chavs are walking down the road looking up at the seagulls.One says"what'd ya do if a bird shitted on yer ed?" the other replies"kick er f*****g ed in"

[bumsnogger]

2 chavs get married.They're on honeymoon in the caravan in the garden,The girl says"go easy I'm a virgin" The lad runs into the house and says"Dad she's a virgin".The dad replies"Get rid of her son,she's not good enough for her own family,she's not good enough for ours"

[reno911]

^^^^^^^^^
Horrible!!!













But Funny!

[bumsnogger]

More chav jokes!!! How do you get a chav pregnant? Ejaculate on her feet and let the flies do the rest!

[bumsnogger]

Hi reno 11.Your location's near where I am.lol And every joke pushes me a little closer.lol

[reno911]

No but seriously Reno is located next to a smaller little city called Sparks. Google it. Funny stuff. Pretty sad too, since I grew up in Sparks. I have to imagine you have seen at least one episode of Reno 911, maybe not since your in UK, but if you have that is pretty much a pretty good representation of how it really is living here. Google search Sun Valley Nevada. Biggest trailer park in the US supposedly...

[reno911]

A good joke, read the last line...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sun_Valley,_Nevada

[bumsnogger]

Ha ,Quality place! Theres a road like that round here. My girlfriend used to help at a charity bingo,there was a couple who went who were brother and sister!.AND they had kids.Another wanted a 2nd disabled kid so she could get more benefits from the government. Enough disgusting stuff. Have you got fish in the toilet? No? why keep dangling a maggot over it then?

[reno911]

A 747 is over sea's and the pilot states they have some how ran out of fuel and are going to crash into the ocean shortly as they are loosing altitude.

This really good looking lady in a pencil skirt stands up and screams, "If I am going to die I want to die feeling like a woman." She proceeds to undress. "Is there any MAN on this plane that can accomplish this for me."

A man in the row next to her stands up begins to take off his shirt in a hurry. Once standing with his shirt in his hand he extends his arm, "I can help you, this needs to be ironed."