Lets see some jokes

[pinkpanda3310]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen. . Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.



The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.





Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.



Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Bondonutz]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Husband Store
> > >
> > > A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
> > >
> > > You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
> > >
> > >
> > > Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
> > >
> > > Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
> > >
> > > So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
> > >
> > > Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely
> > > Good Looking.
> > >
> > >
> > > 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
> > > >
> > > She goes to the fourth
> > > floor and the sign reads:
> > >
> > >
> > > Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help
> > > With Housework.
> > >
> > >
> > > 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
> > >
> > >
> > > Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
> > >
> > >
> > > Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework,
> > > and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
> > >
> > > Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
> > > Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)
> > >
> > > PLEASE NOTE:
> > >
> > > To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just
> > > across the street.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > The first floor has wives that love sex.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
> > >
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!


WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.. But when
they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch....

BONUS QUESTION:

Q: What is a man's ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection.. and breaking his nose!


Nominated as the world's best short joke..

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a
bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied.

[pinkpanda3310]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital. While the Tax Office agent was checking the
books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when
there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back
to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back
to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free
package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is
save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about
once a year they send us a complete dick."

[pinkpanda3310]

The Wedding Ring

A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring
cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the
ring in his pants pocket.
She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to
slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

[georgec]

In Trouble Again.......

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch!

Apparently I'm no longer welcome at KFC anymore!

[suicideneil]

[georgec]

[pinkpanda3310]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.



The case came up in court.


The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) What he had to say for himself.


The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .. I just lost it.'


'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[georgec]

OMG! Fricking priceless. PMPL

[Gdot]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[redshift]

Mitch Hedberg R.I.P.

I got an ant farm... them fellas didn't grow sh*t!

I had a Mr. Pibb, Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper... but it's the bullsh*t replica, cause dude didn't even get his degree.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load sh*t into a truck.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah."

I had a paper route when I was a kid, I was a paper boy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or 2 dumpsters!

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. It's like, "dude, you have to wait."

I saw a commercial that said, "forget everything you know about slip covers!" So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slip covers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.

I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said f*ck that, I'll just get a tan instead.

I bought a house, it's a 2-bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you? F*ck you real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house.

I like the FedEx driver, because he's a drug dealer, and he don't even know it.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

The thing that's depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Because inside is a note that says "say thanks."

I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs... sorry for the convenience."

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light... and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

I did a radio interview with XM radio... they said "you can swear on XM radio." No sh*t, cause nobody can hear it. You can swear in the woods, too!

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes... all exciting at first, but then by the end you're f*ckin' sick of em.

I went to the Home Depot the other day, which was unnecessary... I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying "hey, we ain't gotta fix sh*t!"

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My apartment is infested with koala bears... it's the cutest infestation ever! Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to, you know?

I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said "please try again", because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up... please try again." A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top!

My sister wanted to be an actress... she never made it, but she does live in a trailer. She got half-way. It's like she's an actress, she's just never called to the set.

Foosball f*cked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball, and then spin around and round. I can't do a backflip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me.

I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on 'em. Hell yeah! Reminds me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque, and throw down on some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on... "you better flip that Frito dad, you know how I like it."

I wake up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, then I don't do sh*t for an hour. Which makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument. Cause then I tried to walk out, and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?

I did comedy for a fundraiser once, we were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods... cause when you're in the woods tripping, there's less likely a chance you'll run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dwayne was standing there raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder, he said "Mitchell... Smokey is way more intense in person!"

I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they thought we were okay. A lot of death metal bands have intense names, like "Rigormortis" or "Mortuary" or "Obituary". We weren't that intense, we just went with "Injured". Later on we changed it to "A Capella"... as we were walking out of the pawn shop.

I was in downtown Boise Idaho and I saw a duck. And I knew the duck was lost, cause ducks ain't supposed to be downtown, there's nothing for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said "let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said alright, well put some lettuce on it. They said, "that'll be $1.75." I said "it's for a duck." They said "alright, well then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway!! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the steak fajita sub. But don't bother ringing it up... it's for a duck! There are 6 ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!!"

My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen.

I'm so glad I'm almost done the set, man... because I have a roll of Lifesavers in my pocket, and pineapple is next!

My manager was concerned, he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch... because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.

I used to live here in Los Angeles... and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing..."

I used to have really long hair, and people thought I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long-haired guy, they'd say "that f*cker eats cake! He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was approaching?"

I rent a lot of cars, cause I go on the road. And when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with it, right? So a lot of times I'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake.

[Chadworkz]

Mitch Hedberg was the funniest dude ever!

[suicideneil]

[Bondonutz]

Subject: EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
>
> And a few more to get your morning laughing....
>
>
> 1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
>
> My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
> I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and
> began to take off her underwear.
> Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the
> wrong one.
>
> Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
> San Francisco
>
>
> 2... At the beginning of my shift
>
> I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
> and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
>
> 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
> 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
>
> Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
> Seattle , WA
>
>
> 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
>
> news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial
> infarct.
>
> Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
> family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
>
> Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
>
>
> 4. During a patient's two week follow-up
>
> appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was
> having trouble with one of his medications..
>
> ' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...
> The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
> out of places to put it !'
> I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
>
> Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
>
> Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new
> one.
>
>
> Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
> Norfolk, VA
>
>
> 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
>
> I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
> After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
> ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
>
> Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
> Corvallis, OR
>
>
> 6. I was performing rounds at the
>
> hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So
> how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky
> Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied.
> I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY
> Jelly.'
>
>
> Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
> Detroit,
>
>
> 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
>
> when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk,
> sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . .
> It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she
> was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on
> the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
> green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'
>
> Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
> patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
>
> Submitted by RN no name,
>
>
> AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . .. .. . . .
>
>
> 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
>
> I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my
> embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
>
> The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out
> laughing and further embarrassing me.
>
> I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
> 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
> She replied with tears running down
> her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..
>
> 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .
> 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .'
>
>
> Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
>
> 1 MORE
>
> Baby's First Doctor Visit
>
> This made me laugh out loud.
> I hope it will give you a smile!
>
>
> A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
> doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
>
> The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
> little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
>
> 'Breast-fed,' she replied..
> 'Well, strip down to your waist, 'the doctor ordered.
> She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
> for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
>
> Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
> underweight.
> You don't have any milk.'
>
> ' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
> But, I'm glad I came.'
>

[georgec]