Lets see some jokes

[georgec]

Will Rogers was quite the cowboy, with all the wisdom of simple, honest folk. His words still ring with common sense today...

Simple but Brilliant
and full of truths! Enjoy!
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country ever has
known.
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . . Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it
back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING
OLDER...
First
~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second
~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third
~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth
~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
Fifth
~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or
leaks.
Sixth
~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh
~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth
~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth
~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth
~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And, finally
~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

[georgec]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... "Will you marry me?"?

The Princess said, "NO!"?

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played with RC cars
and dated women half his age and
had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end

[Bondonutz]

[bryan]

Originally Posted by Bondonutz

Bondo placed his goody there.sikko

[lincpimp]

Originally Posted by Bondonutz

Sad, I can not imagine how pissed and distraght you must have been to find out that your gay lover was into chics... But best to find it out now, while you are still young and have your looks, who wants a wrinkled old pud muncher? Besides Harold...

[georgec]

[pinkpanda3310]

HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[josh9mille]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Apair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says "ill serve you, but dont you go starting anything"

[Bondonutz]

@JAMES

Your box would be over your mouth with a sign reading "Free gentle and soothing prostrate Exams"

Directions; Place anus over hole, probe will will be wet and warm so don't jump,proceedure is over when patient has a release.
Tips are excepted, but DNA is prize enough.

[Bondonutz]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Husband Store
> > >
> > > A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
> > >
> > > You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
> > >
> > >
> > > Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
> > >
> > > Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
> > >
> > > So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
> > >
> > > Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely
> > > Good Looking.
> > >
> > >
> > > 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
> > > >
> > > She goes to the fourth
> > > floor and the sign reads:
> > >
> > >
> > > Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help
> > > With Housework.
> > >
> > >
> > > 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
> > >
> > >
> > > Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
> > >
> > >
> > > Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework,
> > > and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
> > >
> > > Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
> > > Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)
> > >
> > > PLEASE NOTE:
> > >
> > > To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just
> > > across the street.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > The first floor has wives that love sex.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
> > >
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!


WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.. But when
they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch....

BONUS QUESTION:

Q: What is a man's ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection.. and breaking his nose!


Nominated as the world's best short joke..

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a
bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied.

[pinkpanda3310]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital. While the Tax Office agent was checking the
books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when
there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back
to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back
to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free
package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is
save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about
once a year they send us a complete dick."

[suicideneil]

[georgec]

[pinkpanda3310]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.



The case came up in court.


The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) What he had to say for himself.


The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .. I just lost it.'


'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[georgec]

OMG! Fricking priceless. PMPL